Category Archives: Personal Life Reflections

An Amazing Story of Facebook and God Colliding

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This past weekend, I received an amazing message from my 10th grade History teacher. I hadn’t spoken to him in almost ten years when he reached out to me on Facebook this past weekend. See his message below.

I remember years ago, being in his class and feeling called to write him a note of encouragement. I never heard from him about the note that year, so I assumed it didn’t mean much to him and frankly, as time went on, I forgot about it. Little did I know, God had plans for this note that were far greater than I could have hoped at the time.

This is an amazing testimony to why we must answer God’s calling at the moment we hear it, whether or not we can foresee any positive results. His timing is perfect!

facebook message

Here was my response…

facebook response

 

What Do You Know?

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There aren’t many things about which I hold strong opinions. I consider myself to be high on the continuum of open-mindedness.

But there are a few things about which I am certain.

Like my distaste for Kindles and other electronic reading devices. Nothing can replace the joy that comes from the process of driving to a book store, picking out a book of choice, and walking away with said new book in hand.

Likewise, I will always favor a pencil to blank paper over a computer, tablet, or smart phone. There is magic in the movement of hand to paper that simply cannot be replicated.

I also know that my dog was sent here from heaven. To be with me in times of need and teach me how to love.

Finally, I know that I lose track of time, and also myself, whenever I am editing a video, writing a song, recording a performance, or performing live. Scientists call this “in the zone.”

These things I know for certain. What do you know?

Just Know That You Are Loved – My Personal Encounter with an Angel

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Two years ago today, on the worst day of my life, I had my first encounter with an angel, at the baggage claim of the RDU airport.

I stood alone, completely wiped out and broken, waiting for my bag to come around on the conveyor belt. There were a few other people waiting for their bags there as well, not many but a few. After about two minutes, my feet could no longer support the dead weight of my body and I sat down on a nearby bench. A young man, I’d guess my age or younger, came and sat down next to me.

“Excuse me,” he interrupted my empty, swollen stare, “Are you okay?” Hardly able to even turn to face him, I nod my head and mutter back, “Yea I’m fine.” My body language was screaming, “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!” but he persisted. “It isn’t a death, is it?”

“No,” I snap back, justifying my lie with his increasingly annoying invasiveness.

“Okay, well I just wanted to say, I was in love with this girl for many years and we were happily together. I wanted to be engaged and when I asked her to marry me, she said ‘no’ and we broke up. I know it’s not the same…” he continued, despite my lack of response cues, “…but it hurt like hell.”

I managed to look him dead in the eyes this time, “It’s not the same,” I growled, my eyes piercing into him.

Looking forward, I spotted my large, brown, leather suitcase coming around the belt. One of the only ones left. I began to stand up and head towards my bag when the guy said, “Well, here,” as he handed me a 2-dollar bill, “just know that you are loved.”

I hadn’t intended to take the 2-dollar bill but there it was in my hand as I grabbed my bag from the conveyor belt. Dropping the heavy piece of luggage to the ground, I looked up to see my mom running towards me. I gave her a huge hug, momentarily allowing myself to collapse in her arms.

But wait, I wondered aloud, “Where did that guy go?”

“What guy?” my mom replied.

“The guy who just handed me this,” I waved the 2-dollar bill for her to see.

“I didn’t see any guys around, Sweetie. I saw you standing here by yourself. That’s why I came running over.”

In bewilderment, mixed with the still heavy shock of the day’s event, I stumbled towards my mom’s car, “Hmm…” I thought to myself, “Well, that was strange.”

Two years ago today, I lost my best friend in a tragic accident. He wasn’t far from me that day and he’s still as close as ever now.

My angel, I miss you.

A Story of Redemption and Experiencing God’s Grace

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Redemption

 

1 Peter 5:10 “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

I have suffered for a while. These past two years have been the most difficult times of my life, with one thing piling upon another. I wondered when I would see the light. But perhaps most importantly, I never doubted that this light would come. I never doubted God’s love for me and His goodness. I knew He had a plan and purpose for everything that was/is happening to me and I never stopped trusting Him. Probably clinging to Him tighter now, than ever before. Exactly, how He likes it- completely, wholly, even desperately dependent on Him.

This is a story about my restoration, about the light returning to my life. It is a joyful story and certainly not a complete one. But more importantly, this is a story about God and His grace, which never fails.

It was the Thursday night before I was scheduled to film my debut music video that Saturday. After a frustrating week of nagging my producer for details with no feedback, I was having a breakdown. I was furious. The shoot was Saturday and I had planned my whole week around it. The producer wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Where were the location lists, call times, wardrobe, crew names ect? Even if he sent me this information on Friday, I didn’t feel that one day was sufficient time for me to prep. I wanted to call him and scream at him! But can I? Is it right for me to bring my emotions into a work relationship? How much power and say do I really have in the matter? If I tell him how I feel, what will be his reaction? Will it change anything about the situation? Would it be worth it? If I don’t tell him how I feel, am I disrespecting myself? My feelings? Am I undermining our relationship and the honest, open communication that forms its base? These were all questions that were tormenting me that Thursday night. I struggled with them even as I fell asleep. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t want to confront him.

Friday morning, I had a meeting with my therapist. As usual, she asks me if there’s anything I want to talk about. I couldn’t think of anything “serious” that I felt I needed to talk to her about but because this music video situation was still on the forefront of my mind, I decided to give her a briefing of it. I figured at the least, she would be a good ear for me to get it off my chest. Maybe she would have some good advice on it, too. Boy, did I underestimate how God planned to use this frustrating situation and my time with the therapist that morning to work in miraculous ways.

Long story short, the therapist and I spend the hour “working” on the situation. We end up clarifying and defining my fear of confrontation as the root for why this situation was causing me such distress. Further, we even pinpointed specific events from my years in elementary school as stems for this irrational fear, which all revolve around my being unjustly shamed.

My fear, then, was not just a fear of confrontation, though it was that too. It was more a fear of being shamed. A fear of people making a big deal out of something in response to my actions. All it took was my pinpointing this fear, defining it, finding the cause of it, and rectifying that event within myself.

Before I knew it, the fear and anxiety was gone. By the time the session ended, I was no longer tormented with questions of what to do in response to my producer’s lack of follow through. I was eager to call him! Not to yell or vent but simply to talk about the next steps. It is what it is, I thought. And this is no confrontation. He and I will work this out and I’m excited to see when we can reschedule and start preparing for the new shoot date. Done and done. No anxiety. No fear. Suddenly, it wasn’t a big deal at all anymore. It was almost laughable that I let it torment me to begin with… It was never that big of a situation that I should lose sleep over it.

A huge weight was lifted from within me that Friday. Surely a day I will always remember and a blessing for which I’m indescribably grateful. The very thing I perceived as a mess the night before, had suddenly become a treasure to me, because it helped me to grow and to heal a part of me that had been carrying this burden of shame deep inside. Is God amazing or what?!

I share this story today in hopes that one of you, my readers, will relate to it. If you are feeling frustrated, anxious, or scared, I urge you to seek the cause behind those feelings within yourself. Everything you need to move forward awaits inside of you. God will take care of the details.

Inspiration for the Day

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Just got off the phone with an entrepreneur who has spent the last fifty years of his life working on a new drug, trying to get it into the pharmaceutical market. He is now 85 years old, in and out of the hospital, and he finally has a company interested in it. Still, this man may very well die without ever earning a penny for fifty years of work.

He told me, “That doesn’t matter. What matters is that I believe in the work that I’ve dedicated myself to, and I’ve loved every minute of the process.”

Amen. There’s your inspiration for the day, folks.

A Moment of Venting

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What you really owe me is an apology. For treating me as your inferior, for neglecting me, for taking advantage of my kindness and patience. Yes, you owe me an apology.

But I do not expect one from you.

Although your behavior would suggest you’re an awful person, I refuse to succumb to such a belief. I choose instead to believe in your goodness and continue to love you.

I choose to believe that your actions stem out of your own defensiveness, a protection you’ve formed for yourself, and I feel for you. You must have been burned many times to form a protective shell as hard as yours. You must be very hurt to hurt others as you do.

Judging you is not my place, but I will continue to pray for you. Acting out or seeking revenge is not the path I plan to take. Instead, I will love you and forgive you and hope you begin to see that there’s good in this world- that you’re safe after all.

Dear Kate,

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Dear Kate,

This post is for you. When I first started on WordPress, I knew next to nothing about blogging. I still know very little but I am learning every day. I did, however, know that I had a lot of thoughts and no one with whom to share them. I also knew I loved to write. Thus began this blog. While I’m not entirely sure if you even read all of my posts, you like almost all of them and that means a lot to me. You keep me going on days when I wonder why I’m even doing this blog. When I think no one is reading or cares what I have to say, I remember you and your loyalty. Kate will listen, I think. And since the beginning, you have (or so it appears).

Any way, I just wanted to write a thank you to you Kate. And let you know that although I don’t know you, you are an important person in my life. And you are deeply recognized and appreciated.

A Personal Post on Love and Loss

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It’s a strange thing when you start to feel better after thinking you never would. It’s even stranger when you want to love again after losing the love of your life. A part of you says, “No, you can’t! It’d be a betrayal.” But another part of you, the better part of you, screams, “Yes! Live again! Love again!”

Truth is, he is the love of my life. And that will never change. But he is the love of that life. No doubt in my mind he was the soul mate for that me. But when you lose someone who is the most important part of your life, your world changes. And so do you. Inevitably and irreversibly, you’re not the same person you were.  And now I understand, there’s going to be another perfect person for the new me. Another love of my new life.  And that person will in no way undermine his position in my heart.

Some people only get to live one life, but I’ve been given two. Perhaps, as we each navigate this world and our relationships, we can all see it as a new life each time we cycle round and round.

Finally, I realize there is no better way to honor him and our love then by embracing my new life and finding a new person to love. I am ready.

 

The Music Business

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It’s the music business. You pour your heart out to people and then wait for their response. Sometimes they eat you alive…so if you can’t take the heat, then get out of the kitchen. But sometimes, they love every bit of you. And during those times, all of the hard work and heartbreak is worth it because there’s no better feeling than to be loved and appreciated for the realest, purest form of you- your heart.

Is Freedom Really What We Want? (A Personal Reflection)

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When my boyfriend died, the life I knew died along with him. Shortly thereafter, I packed up all of my belongings, everything I had acquired in California, and drove across the country to be back home again in North Carolina. Because, of course, when the world fails you, the only place you have to go is home.

Within one year, I had a monumental career change, my parents divorced, my childhood home was sold, and I was living on my own in an apartment for the first time in my life. All this change in only one year! Even writing about it now, it seems surreal. How has my life become so crazy, so chaotic? How have I been able to push through, to survive?

Well, God is good. And that is where I am now. Completely lost, approaching the second birthday that I will spend without my boyfriend and the only thing that I know for certain is God’s goodness and grace. Other than that, I feel adrift. Floating in a world that I have no control over, a world that is constantly shifting, one without ground.

I guess on the bright side, I have nothing holding me back. I have no attachments that hold me down, hold me steady. I’m free to fly like a bird, as I have always yearned to do.

This also means I have little security, no sense of stability, a feeling of total loss of control. Does a baby bird feel this way before it leaves its nest for the first time? I wonder. And how many nests will I have to leave? Is flying free really all it’s cracked up to be?

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