As I reach my adult years, it has been dawning on me just how uphill a performer’s path is. And I must confess, if I had the choice between being happy and being a performer, I’d choose to be happy.
But then I’m reminded (by the little voice inside of me), I don’t have that choice…
I love writing. I especially love writing poems. Songs, even more. All things rhythmic. I also love performing. There is nothing in the world that brings me such utter, pure joy as performing. So what am I doing? I’m on my way back from Costa Rica, dreading the arrival of my reality. Aside from my dog and a few choice people, the home that awaits me is one full of questions.
Who loves me? Who do I love? Where is the man I can love forever? When will I meet him? Have I already?
What am I doing with my life? What are my options? Return to school and get a Master’s in Creative Writing? Then what? Write my own memoir? About what? Who am I?
What about my music career? Am I trying hard enough? Should I give up? Didn’t someone tell me never to give up? When does never end?
How will I perform? I need to perform. It lives inside of me, performance, and if insufficiently fed, it feeds on its very host (my soul). This I know.
What about my album? What do I do when it’s released? What are my next steps? How do I move forward? Will anyone help me? Who? When will it be released? Who cares other than me? Does it matter?
Should I travel “while I still can”? Mission work? Tropical countries? Become fluent in Spanish? I loved everything about Costa Rica. Could I live there? Would I?
Should I keep living here? Is this the right place for me?
Does it feel like it? No.
Am I comfortable? Yes.
I know some answers…
Seeing as 2014 is fast approaching (4 more days!!) I decided to write a list of my personal relationship goals. But I’m not going to wait until 2014 to start working on these. I’m starting today. 🙂
Here is what I’ve come up with:
Less talking, more listening. Less thinking, more being. Less discussing feelings, more actual feeling. Less analyzing the other, more loving the other.
What are your personal relationship goals? xoxo
Before I heard about the Target security breach, I went to the store all the time for groceries. Other than grocery shopping, I do my best to avoid Target because it has always struck me as a bit creepy. Whenever I’m in the store I feel as though I’m trapped in a maze. I can never seem to find what I’m looking for without first wandering through various aisles of distractions. I notice fellow Target shoppers seem to be the same way.
The people of Target don’t remind me of shoppers so much as they do zombies. Their eyes are invariably glazed over, and rather than looking forward, they’re glancing around incessantly at the bombardment of sale and clearance items, which they reluctantly add to their cart as if by force rather than will. I kid you not, every time I’m in Target I see at least two such zombies accidentally run into one another, too distracted to even notice the other’s presence.
This frightens me because in a world full of beautiful strangers in which we’re all fighting the same battles with different demons, we can’t afford to miss eachother. For some, a few hours at target may be the only human interaction they have all day. The fact that this interaction is primarily characterized by mindlessly passing eachother is just plain sad. People fear the security breach will stop a lot of people from shopping at Target this holiday season, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.
Believing every man is capable of fulfilling his highest potential while ignoring the reality that his behavior says the exact opposite. It’s like Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.” Not everyone is emotionally capable of achieving their highest potential. Furthermore, not everyone wants to achieve their highest potential. Some people are perfectly content with where they are. I’m learning this.
Night is the time when we’re alone, isolated in our bed, away from distractions and forced to confront our pain. I used to fear the night. I dreaded falling asleep, while needing rest more than ever before. In the quiet dark, the pain I spent all day running from, would sit right down on the edge of my own bed, like a familiar stranger, just staring at me. I hid from it any way I could; sleeping aids, prescription meds, exhaustion, alcohol… But no matter how great my hiding place, or how long I hid, the pain was relentless. It wouldn’t leave. Night after night, there it sat on my bed. Waiting for me. What does it want from me?!
Eventually, I learned to stare back. I began to even look forward to the night, when I could lie with that familiar stranger, face to face. Today, although the pain remains, its power is weakened. Finally, I am able to look it in the eyes and say, “I’m not scared of you anymore. I am grateful for you.”
Most of us are our own worst critics. When often, we need to be our own best cheerleader. Sometimes you just need to stop, look back at all you’ve been through, and thank yourself for all that you’ve done.
We’re constantly pushing ourselves forward, while forgetting to look back and reflect. Ironically, if you push yourself too hard for too long, you freeze.
The easiest way to unfreeze yourself is to stop focusing on all you have yet to accomplish and instead focus on all that you already have. Thank yourself. Be proud of yourself. Eventually, self belief will return and your motivation will soon follow.
She hits the nail on the head!!
“I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Have you ever found that activity you were made for? While you’re doing it your whole self, from the tips of your toes to your head to your soul, screams, “This is what I was made for!” It’s similar to an adrenaline rush but not the same. An adrenaline rush is more of a one time thing. Eventually, as the activity is repeated, the rush will dissipate as the activity simply doesn’t provide that same stimulation.
Not so with finding your calling. Doing what you were made to do gives you that same high over and over again for as long as you do it. I believe we were made to live this way. But the tragedy is most of us settle for less.
Ever tried doing something else for a living after having found your calling? Your whole body refuses. Day and night, it mumbles with depression- but what about ——? Oh, sure, there are moments of happiness but the sorrow which permeates is ever present, like a shadow over all you hope to accomplish. Point is, your body knows when you’re doing what you were made to do. You’re soul, mind, heart… they all know. It is quite literally a physical reaction that we have to doing (or not doing) our “job”.
We all know what it’s like to have a friend or family member mad at us. Their disappointment and dissatisfaction combined with our guilt and shame, weighs on us like a cinder block in the ocean. Similarly, not following your calling, when you’ve been blessed enough to find it, is like having your own self mad at you. And having to face that person in the mirror, day in and day out.
“Dear Human: You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty.”