Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh said it best, “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.”
Too often, the cultural conversation around new motherhood focuses on “bouncing back.” When are you going to fit into your clothes again? When are you going back to work? When are you going to return to the person you were before you had the baby? And the answer is, you’re not. But the good news is, you’re not supposed to.
The term Matrescence, coined by Dana Raphael, Ph.D. (1973), remains a largely unexplored area of study that refers to this process of becoming a mother. The developmental passage where a woman transitions through pregnancy and birth, to the postnatal period and beyond. Of course, we all know that during pregnancy, a woman’s body is rapidly changing, and inside a tiny life form is taking shape to be a completely unique and individual human being. But what we often forget, is that the woman herself is also rapidly changing and taking shape. Not just in a physical sense, but in a bio-psycho-social-political and spiritual way. Yes, the mother gives birth to a child. But the child also gives birth to a mother.
I recently gave birth to my first child and I’ve spent the last twelve months researching and documenting my experience of matrescence. As I scoured the internet, I was amazed to find that not a single, descriptive, first-hand account of matrescence exists. Until now.
I’ve divided the poem into five parts, one for each of the three trimesters, one for labor and delivery, and one for what’s often referred to as, “The Missing Fourth Trimester,” or postpartum.
My hope is that women will see themselves in these words. That women who have yet to embark on the journey of motherhood, will have a roadmap of sorts, helping them to better understand what support they may need along the way. I love how the experience of pregnancy and motherhood is so unique for each individual, and yet so universal at the same time.
The Birth of a Mother
Part I – First Trimester
It’s been two months
Three if you count the one we didn’t know
of exhaustion.
Who is this person?
A foreign invader
taking up my brain, my body
so swollen.
Why can’t I think straight?
I don’t feel like the woman
my husband married.
Where is she?
Is she coming back?
Part II – Second Trimester
It’s hard to hide anymore
Out in the open now
Like my body
growing not without discomfort
as my organs and priorities shift.
Letting go of anything I’m holding
to embrace the unknown
with wide open arms
and free my hands
so I can caress my stomach.
Halfway there now
I’m focused now
on nothing
but the child inside me.
Part III – Third Trimester
It’s 4am and I can’t sleep
I’m tossing and turning
like the child inside me.
She has a name now
and a room all ready
for her.
We’re all ready for her.
She’s all ready for us
in her ready position
as my posture changes
every few minutes
which feel like hours
as my toes tap dance
without my permission
If only my legs
would stay in position.
I clean spiderwebs
from hidden corners of our home
while I squat and wait.
I’m patiently squatting
and waiting
and waiting…
Part IV – Labor and Delivery
In two three four
Out two three four five six
I count my breaths
as I feel the water beneath me.
I’m sweating and swaying and swearing
with every contraction
bringing us deeper, closer
Like my husband and I now
as I squeeze his hand
and breathe.
We’re transitioning now
I’m out of my mind
and my body takes over
like an animal,
we are not to be disturbed.
I’m laboring down
Breathing down
Pushing down
Down down and out.
I hear crying and cheering
as oxytocin floods my body
and I bring our baby to my chest.
Unimaginable relief.
The transition is complete.
The maiden has died
and the mother has been born.
Part V – Postpartum
Honoring the sacred pause
Taking it all in slow and easy
Soaking In the beauty of the moment,
of my husband,
of our helpers,
of our village.
Drinking in our baby as she drinks in me.
This is postpartum.