If I could sum up parenthood in one word, it would be “surrender”.
The act of surrender begins in pregnancy. It’s challenging to not try to control all the changes and outcomes. The unknown. The waiting.
It intensifies the last few weeks as we prepare for baby’s arrival. Letting go of deadlines, dates, and expectations. Surrendering to our baby and God’s perfect timing.
It peaks during birth as the contractions are relentless. Like a train coming towards us and we can’t get off the tracks. Nothing and no one can stop it.
And then the baby is here. And a new phase of surrendering begins.
Is the baby okay? Are we doing this right? Will we get to sleep tonight?
Once again, we find ourselves letting go of deadlines, dates, and expectations. Putting personal to-do lists on the back burner and holding all external commitments loosely.
Maybe this is why parenthood is so beautiful. This constant act of surrendering. This daily practice of faith. We surrender ourselves, over and over again, so we can stand back in awe at the faithfulness of our God.
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh said it best, “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.”
Too often, the cultural conversation around new motherhood focuses on “bouncing back.” When are you going to fit into your clothes again? When are you going back to work? When are you going to return to the person you were before you had the baby? And the answer is, you’re not. But the good news is, you’re not supposed to.
The term Matrescence, coined by Dana Raphael, Ph.D. (1973), remains a largely unexplored area of study that refers to this process of becoming a mother. The developmental passage where a woman transitions through pregnancy and birth, to the postnatal period and beyond. Of course, we all know that during pregnancy, a woman’s body is rapidly changing, and inside a tiny life form is taking shape to be a completely unique and individual human being. But what we often forget, is that the woman herself is also rapidly changing and taking shape. Not just in a physical sense, but in a bio-psycho-social-political and spiritual way. Yes, the mother gives birth to a child. But the child also gives birth to a mother.
I recently gave birth to my first child and I’ve spent the last twelve months researching and documenting my experience of matrescence. As I scoured the internet, I was amazed to find that not a single, descriptive, first-hand account of matrescence exists. Until now.
I’ve divided the poem into five parts, one for each of the three trimesters, one for labor and delivery, and one for what’s often referred to as, “The Missing Fourth Trimester,” or postpartum.
My hope is that women will see themselves in these words. That women who have yet to embark on the journey of motherhood, will have a roadmap of sorts, helping them to better understand what support they may need along the way. I love how the experience of pregnancy and motherhood is so unique for each individual, and yet so universal at the same time.
I can’t catch a break. // Everything falls apart without me. // I’m grateful to have a family that needs me. // It feels so good to be needed. // I have no time to get anything done. // My to do list just keeps growing. // It’s so nice to be present with my baby. // Everything else can wait. // I’ve never known a joy like this. // I’m so tired I could cry. // Her needs are so constant. // One day she won’t need me. // I hate how fast time is going. // It’s so wonderful to watch her grow. // I don’t want to miss a single moment. // All I want is a moment to myself. // I killed it today! // Today nearly killed me.
“Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers — strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.”
—Barbara Katz Rothman
It’s important that we pay attention to what’s showing up for us during pregnancy and birth. Even while trying to conceive. The journey of motherhood is a spiritual one first and foremost. As we begin this journey, many things rise to the surface within us. Examples might include; finding our voice, setting boundaries, learning patience, trusting our gut, standing in our truth, surrendering, or receiving help. All things designed to better equip us for the other side of birth.
See, where there is birth there is also death. And as the Mother, you are no longer who you once were. You can never go back to your old self. That self has to die in order for this one to be born anew. And with that birth, everything shifts. Your perspective. Your priorities. Your relationships…
Resistance to this transformation can be painful. It’s better to honor and trust the cycles of life. To surrender to what is. More to come…
If there is any lesson I would want to leave with you, it is to love yourself. Find peace with who you are and don’t look outside yourself for acceptance and love. Find it deep within yourself and treasure it always. When you love yourself like that, you will know the kind of love I will always have for you.
