The Birth of a Mother (A Poem)

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh said it best, “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.”

Too often, the cultural conversation around new motherhood focuses on “bouncing back.” When are you going to fit into your clothes again? When are you going back to work? When are you going to return to the person you were before you had the baby? And the answer is, you’re not. But the good news is, you’re not supposed to. 

The term Matrescence, coined by Dana Raphael, Ph.D. (1973), remains a largely unexplored area of study that refers to this process of becoming a mother. The developmental passage where a woman transitions through pregnancy and birth, to the postnatal period and beyond. Of course, we all know that during pregnancy, a woman’s body is rapidly changing, and inside a tiny life form is taking shape to be a completely unique and individual human being. But what we often forget, is that the woman herself is also rapidly changing and taking shape. Not just in a physical sense, but in a bio-psycho-social-political and spiritual way. Yes, the mother gives birth to a child. But the child also gives birth to a mother. 

I recently gave birth to my first child and I’ve spent the last twelve months researching and documenting my experience of matrescence. As I scoured the internet, I was amazed to find that not a single, descriptive, first-hand account of matrescence exists. Until now. 

I’ve divided the poem into five parts, one for each of the three trimesters, one for labor and delivery, and one for what’s often referred to as, “The Missing Fourth Trimester,” or postpartum. 

My hope is that women will see themselves in these words. That women who have yet to embark on the journey of motherhood, will have a roadmap of sorts, helping them to better understand what support they may need along the way. I love how the experience of pregnancy and motherhood is so unique for each individual, and yet so universal at the same time.

The Birth of a Mother

Part I – First Trimester

It’s been two months

Three if you count the one we didn’t know 

of exhaustion.

Who is this person? 

A foreign invader 

taking up my brain, my body 

so swollen.

Why can’t I think straight? 

I don’t feel like the woman

my husband married. 

Where is she? 

Is she coming back? 

Part II – Second Trimester

It’s hard to hide anymore

Out in the open now

Like my body

growing not without discomfort

as my organs and priorities shift.

Letting go of anything I’m holding 

to embrace the unknown 

with wide open arms

and free my hands 

so I can caress my stomach.

Halfway there now               

I’m focused now

on nothing 

but the child inside me.

Part III – Third Trimester

It’s 4am and I can’t sleep

I’m tossing and turning 

like the child inside me.

She has a name now

and a room all ready 

for her.

We’re all ready for her. 

She’s all ready for us 

in her ready position

as my posture changes 

every few minutes

which feel like hours

as my toes tap dance 

without my permission

If only my legs

would stay in position.

I clean spiderwebs 

from hidden corners of our home

while I squat and wait.

I’m patiently squatting

and waiting

and waiting…

Part IV – Labor and Delivery

In two three four

Out two three four five six

I count my breaths 

as I feel the water beneath me.

I’m sweating and swaying and swearing 

with every contraction 

bringing us deeper, closer

Like my husband and I now

as I squeeze his hand 

and breathe.

We’re transitioning now

I’m out of my mind

and my body takes over

like an animal,

we are not to be disturbed.

I’m laboring down

Breathing down

Pushing down

Down down and out.

I hear crying and cheering

as oxytocin floods my body 

and I bring our baby to my chest.

Unimaginable relief.

The transition is complete.

The maiden has died

and the mother has been born.      

Part V – Postpartum

Honoring the sacred pause

Taking it all in slow and easy 

Soaking In the beauty of the moment,

of my husband, 

of our helpers, 

of our village.

Drinking in our baby as she drinks in me.

This is postpartum. 

Nothing Can Stop What’s Coming

When I was pregnant, I loved reading positive birth stories from other women. I knew very little about birth when I first became pregnant and by the end of nine months, I knew quite a bit more. Birth isn’t something to be feared and it doesn’t have to be traumatic, though unfortunately, in many cases it is.

When we take birth back to its natural state, it can be dreamy and blissful and empowering. When we reclaim birth as our own, rather than a medical emergency, we reclaim our power as women. And boy oh boy, are we powerful.

My first daughter, Brooks, was born at 6:55pm on Monday, May 8th after 26 hours of labor. Completely intervention free and unmedicated. I don’t have a “high pain tolerance”. I cringe at needles and feel faint when I see blood. Yet natural childbirth was one of the greatest, most joyful experiences of my life. I long for other women to get to experience it. If I can do it, anyone can. Here’s our story:

The final weeks of my pregnancy are blissful. I’m flooded with oxytocin, have a ton of energy, and feel so present and connected with God. 

I’m convinced that Brooks will be born early, in the 39th week. When that week comes and goes, I decide to stop “waiting” for her. I’m prepared to go the whole 42 weeks. I know she’ll come when she’s ready. I’m soaking in the unknown. 

And then, on Sunday May 7th, around 1:30pm in the afternoon, I suddenly start to feel a shift in my energy. I don’t think much of it. At this point, I’m doing my best to ignore any potential signs of labor. We have plans to drop off a casserole to our friends and neighbors down the street.

Around 4pm, early contractions begin. My husband, Powell, ends up dropping off the casserole on his own. I feel bad that I have to back out of the visit, but I know something’s amiss.

At first, it’s like a tightening in my lower back that radiates around to my front and then goes away. I decide to start timing the sensations to see if there’s any pattern to them. They’re coming every ten minutes and lasting around 30-45 seconds. But I’m still not sure this is labor. After all, being a first time mom, I don’t know what to expect. 

When Powell gets home, we go for a walk with our dog, Capone. I have a couple contractions on the walk as we head up a hill. I have to grab onto Powell for support. He takes notice. The contractions continue on like this through dinner, while we watch, “Don’t Look Up” on Netflix, and I make a flower art piece called, “Brooks”. 

We continue timing the contractions and text our Doula, Katie, to give her a heads up. The app that we’re using to time the contractions keeps saying, “Get ready to go to the hospital” or “Time to go to the hospital.” But I ignore it. My plan is to labor at home for as long as possible. Katie suggests we get some rest, so we go to bed early. 

The contractions get stronger when I lay down and I’m having trouble sleeping through them. The first half of the night, I wake up Powell every time one is coming. He rubs my back, applies counter pressure and a heating pad. I know something strange is happening in my body, but I’m still not convinced it’s labor. 

Around 3-4am, Powell expresses his desperation for sleep. I decide he’s right. One of us should be getting some rest. I can handle these on my own. So, for the rest of the morning, I labor on my own in bed. Thankfully, I’m able to fall asleep in between the contractions. Which are now ranging from 5-10 minutes apart and lasting about one minute each. 

When the sun comes up on Monday morning, Powell decides to stay home from work. I’m still not convinced about labor, but he thinks surely something meaningful is happening. It’s been going on for so long… 

Around 10:45am, I lose my mucus plug and have a bloody show. I’m excited! Something is actually happening! As the day goes on, I develop a coping mechanism for every time a contraction hits. It’s instinctual and I can’t help myself. I begin a low guttural chanting. It sounds African to me. Powell says it reminds him of Gregorian chanting, which I didn’t even know was a thing but he learned about it in high school. It does sound similar when we look up Gregorian chanting on YouTube. 

I do laundry and pick up around the house. Pausing for contractions as they come. They’re coming every 5 minutes now and I just stop whatever I’m doing and hum/chant/breathe my way through. Around 1:30pm, they’re getting stronger and closer to 3 or 4 minutes apart. I decide to cancel my 2:30pm massage appointment and tell Powell to get the bath ready. 

I get into the bath and shortly after, Powell suggests we call our doula, Katie. On the phone, I try to pull myself together, (still thinking maybe this isn’t active labor), and she says she’ll be over in an hour or so. Based off my voice, she doesn’t think I’m in active labor yet. 

But only about 45 mins later, I’m side lying on the bed and calling out to Powell, “Where’s Katie?!” By the time she arrives, around 3:30/4pm, I’m most certainly in active labor. My disposition has changed to one of true focus. Though I’m still convincing myself maybe this isn’t labor. I laugh in between contractions. And then I cry to Katie, “I’m just worried this isn’t dilating me and we’ll get to the hospital too early.” I know I want an intervention free birth. I’m determined to stay at home as long as possible. 

The song, “Rivers and Roads” by The Head and The Heart comes on my phone and we sing our way through another couple contractions. I’m back in the bath now and Katie says to me, “I’ve been seeing your body work really hard. I think it’s safe to say you’re in active labor and you may even be beyond that. Are you ready to go to the hospital?” Okay, I surrender. 

It takes us what feels like forever to get into the car. The contractions are coming every 2 minutes now and lasting about a minute each. I’m in transition. We have to get to the first floor of our house, as we’ve been in the master bedroom and bath upstairs. I contract going down the stairs. Then we have to get into the car. I contract in the driveway. I contract a few more times during the 5 minute drive to the hospital. 

I’m not even wearing shoes when we pull up to the fire lane at the hospital. I get out of the car and contract against the side of it. Someone from inside sees me and brings me a wheelchair. I’m wheeled into the lobby for check in. We realize I don’t have my ID or purse. So Powell rushes back home to get it.

I’m completely in my zone now. I’m barely speaking. I remember looking around the lobby. There’s probably about five people in there, looking back at me. I’m wondering why they’re looking at me. I’m holding it together, I think. And just then, I feel another one coming and yell out, “Sorry everybody! Here comes another one!” I then begin my loud groans and animalistic cries. They wheel me back into a labor room, skipping triage and check in. 

It’s around 6pm when we arrive to the hospital and our midwife doesn’t begin her shift until 6:30pm. I’m greeted by the hospital midwife who covers for her during the day, Laura. She used to work at the local birthing center. She’s familiar with natural childbirth. She checks me and tells me I’m 100% effaced and over 9cm dilated. This is great news! But I’m too focused to react. Another one is coming. About 20 minutes later, Powell is back and he’s in the room with us. Laura tells me when I feel the urge to push, to follow it. 

Sure enough, I soon feel the power that has been gripping me begin to move down through me. As it moves down, I groan and push it along. I’m side lying on the bed and Powell holds my leg in the air. At 6:30pm our midwife, Stacie, arrives to take over the shift. Laura slips out.

Stacie greets me sweetly and calmly. She whispers to me how great I’m doing and how close I am to meeting my baby. She asks me when’s the last time I peed. Not since before I got into the bath back home, I think to myself, as the others try to answer for me. Okay, let’s see if you can get up and try to pee. I think sitting on the toilet will be nice and I also think, if I stand up, this baby will fall out of me. I rise to make my way towards the bathroom. I take two steps before dropping into the squat position. My baby is crowning. 

Stacie is prepared in case I deliver right there on the floor. She can see my baby moving through the canal and says she’s doing so good. That I’m doing so good. Can I get back on the bed? She asks me. Oh boy, that will be difficult but okay, I think. I get back onto the bed on all fours and begin to push my baby out. Probably only three contractions later and I hear, “You’re doing great, this is the ring of fire.” Then I hear the head is out. Sure enough, the next contraction comes and with no straining at all my body pushes the rest of the baby out and Brooks is born. “Grab your baby!”

I reach between by legs and pull her up to my chest. I’m in total shock and disbelief. I did it! I proclaim. We did it! I look at Brooks. I’m so proud of her, and of myself. I lay down on the bed, finally on my back. What a relief! I bring her to my breast and she latches on. I assure everyone in the room that it wasn’t nearly as bad as it sounded. They laugh. We all laugh. I’m in pure ecstasy. And I stay that way for two whole weeks after the birth. It’s a high unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

A couple hours after the birth, Powell asks me, “What did it feel like?” I try to think of words to describe the sensation but I’m at a loss. Powerful? Yes. Intense? Yes. Painful? Not at all. It’s a bit like a train that’s coming towards you, and you can’t get out of the way. Like a huge wave in the ocean and you have no where to go. Finally, I think I’ve found the perfect phrase. It feels like, “Nothing can stop what is coming.”

A Woman being pursued is most beautiful

Have you ever noticed how a woman is most beautiful when she’s being pursued? When she’s falling in love…

This is because that’s when a woman’s most important questions are being answered. At the core of every woman are the questions of, “Am I beautiful? Am I captivating? Am I worth fighting for?”

When a woman is being pursued, she lights up from inside because her questions are being answered. Yes, you are beautiful, captivating, and worth fighting for!

Think of Toula in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. When Ian finds her and begins to romance her, she comes alive. There’s a new shimmer in her eyes and her beauty begins to radiates from within.

Contrastingly, when a woman feels unloved and not worth pursuing, her inner light dims. She goes about her days hiding her innate beauty, believing that she’s not beautiful or worth it.

What if we could have this glow that comes from our most important questions being answered, regardless of our circumstances?

We can.

In fact, as women, we’re supposed to.

We were designed to be beautiful, radiating, captivating, and worth pursuing.

And guess what? The God of angel’s armies is totally and completely in love with us. He’s pursuing us everyday. He thinks we’re captivating, beautiful and worth fighting for.

The Creator of the universe has already answered all of our most important questions!

If we can truly understand and internalize this truth, then we become free to share our beauty with the world and our inner radiance will never go dull again.

Women of the world, we’re beautiful.

 

A Woman’s Prayer

I’ve just finished reading Captivating by Stasi Eldredge. Highly recommend it. One of the parts that stuck out most to me is a prayer that’s quoted from one of her peers. I’ve written my own version of it below.

(“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” Eph. 6:10-13)

I put on with gratitude the armor which you’ve provided me as woman. My need to be pursued and fought for in all of my vulnerability. Thank you for pursing me and fighting for me every day. I wrap in truth my desire to be irreplaceable in a grand scheme of Yours. Help me to be present each day so that I might see what you’re doing in my life and that I may live in the big-ness of your story. Help me to offer life through my beauty and gifts, which you’ve given to me. Continue to reveal and confirm in me what you desire for me to do with these gifts. May today be an offering of love poured out before you on the altar of my life. 

Amen. 

 

5 Beauty Products No Woman Should Be Without (Some of These May Surprise You)

It has been reported that women spend nearly $426 billion on beauty products alone every year. That’s over a billion dollars a day! Imagine how much you could save with the use of a little creativity. Did you know some of the best beauty products are fairly cheap and can double in their uses? There’s no need to spend all your time scouring the isles for your makeup and hair needs, or rushing out to buy the latest and greatest marketed beauty wonder. Simply stock up on the items in this list, and begin to enjoy saving. These five beauty products are things that no woman should be without. In fact, chances are, you may already own a few of these items and you just have yet to take advantage of all of their benefits. Vaseline

1. Vaseline. Most people know that Vaseline makes for excellent chapstick. It’s one of the purest forms of moisturizer. But did you know that you can use Vaseline on your nails to prevent those painful hangnails? Or how about around your eyes before bed to avoid those pesky wrinkles? My friend’s mom is over fifty years old, with no wrinkles or fine lines on her face. She swears by her nightly Vaseline routine. Forget nail cure formulas and anti wrinkle night creams, good ole Vaseline works better than any one of those.

Witch Hazel

2. Witch Hazel. The label says use for relief of minor skin irritations, cuts, scrapes, and insect bites. But did you know it makes for an excellent toner? Use Witch Hazel as part of your daily facial skincare routine and watch its magic unfold. Witch Hazel serves as the perfect balanced toner, getting the job done of tightening your pores and removing oil, without drying out your skin. It can also be used to heal damaged skin from too much sun exposure and soothe razor burn! The best part? It’s only $3.19 for a 16oz bottle at Walmart!

tea tree oil

3. Tea Tree Oil. Tea Tree Oil is a little known beauty secret that serves in a variety of ways. It’s great for getting rid of acne, scars, and just about any other pesky skin blemish you can think of. I have even heard that this little magic oil can get rid of warts when used consistently! You can find it at your local natural health food store. Just be sure you buy the organic kind, as many brands have tried to rip it off.

Manuka Honey

4. Manuka Honey. Though it’s on the pricier side for a jar of honey, this stuff is so worth it! Spread the honey over your face and leave it on for ten minutes as a mask. When you wash it off, your face will feel younger, fresher, and healthier almost instantly. The power lies in Manuka Honey’s antibacterial agents. These same properties make Manuka Honey an effective treatment for wounds, infections, and stomach aches. This honey is also great at fighting colds and sore throats. Simply stir one spoonful of Manuka honey into your tea or hot lemon drink, and stop the cold dead in its tracks.

Apple Cider Vinegar

5. Apple Cider Vinegar. Apple Cider Vinegar is one thing that you should always have in the house. Not only does it work to shorten the duration of colds when mixed with a glass of orange juice or warm water, but you can also take shots of this solution throughout the day for an instant, natural boost of energy. The vinegar can also be used as a rinse after shampooing to dramatically increase your hair’s shine. You can rub it on your teeth and rinse to help remove stains. The uses for Apple Cider Vinegar are endless. Basically, this miracle product is effective for just about anything- your hair, skin, health. It’s certainly one thing that no home should be without.

 

She’s mad but she’s magic. There’s no lie in her fire.

 woman_loving_life

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.”
― Max Lucado