| If I could sum up parenthood in one word, it would be “surrender”. The act of surrender begins in pregnancy. It’s challenging to not try to control all the changes and outcomes. The unknown. The waiting. It intensifies the last few weeks as we prepare for baby’s arrival. Letting go of deadlines, dates, and expectations. Surrendering to our baby and God’s perfect timing. It peaks during birth as the contractions are relentless. Like a train coming towards us and we can’t get off the tracks. Nothing and no one can stop it. And then the baby is here. And a new phase of surrendering begins. Is the baby okay? Are we doing this right? Will we get to sleep tonight? Once again, we find ourselves letting go of deadlines, dates, and expectations. Putting personal to-do lists on the back burner and holding all external commitments loosely. Maybe this is why parenthood is so beautiful. This constant act of surrendering. This daily practice of faith. We surrender ourselves, over and over again, so we can stand back in awe at the faithfulness of our God. |
Tag Archives: matrescence
The Birth of a Mother (A Poem)
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh said it best, “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.”
Too often, the cultural conversation around new motherhood focuses on “bouncing back.” When are you going to fit into your clothes again? When are you going back to work? When are you going to return to the person you were before you had the baby? And the answer is, you’re not. But the good news is, you’re not supposed to.
The term Matrescence, coined by Dana Raphael, Ph.D. (1973), remains a largely unexplored area of study that refers to this process of becoming a mother. The developmental passage where a woman transitions through pregnancy and birth, to the postnatal period and beyond. Of course, we all know that during pregnancy, a woman’s body is rapidly changing, and inside a tiny life form is taking shape to be a completely unique and individual human being. But what we often forget, is that the woman herself is also rapidly changing and taking shape. Not just in a physical sense, but in a bio-psycho-social-political and spiritual way. Yes, the mother gives birth to a child. But the child also gives birth to a mother.
I recently gave birth to my first child and I’ve spent the last twelve months researching and documenting my experience of matrescence. As I scoured the internet, I was amazed to find that not a single, descriptive, first-hand account of matrescence exists. Until now.
I’ve divided the poem into five parts, one for each of the three trimesters, one for labor and delivery, and one for what’s often referred to as, “The Missing Fourth Trimester,” or postpartum.
My hope is that women will see themselves in these words. That women who have yet to embark on the journey of motherhood, will have a roadmap of sorts, helping them to better understand what support they may need along the way. I love how the experience of pregnancy and motherhood is so unique for each individual, and yet so universal at the same time.
The Birth of a Mother
Part I – First Trimester
It’s been two months
Three if you count the one we didn’t know
of exhaustion.
Who is this person?
A foreign invader
taking up my brain, my body
so swollen.
Why can’t I think straight?
I don’t feel like the woman
my husband married.
Where is she?
Is she coming back?
Part II – Second Trimester
It’s hard to hide anymore
Out in the open now
Like my body
growing not without discomfort
as my organs and priorities shift.
Letting go of anything I’m holding
to embrace the unknown
with wide open arms
and free my hands
so I can caress my stomach.
Halfway there now
I’m focused now
on nothing
but the child inside me.
Part III – Third Trimester
It’s 4am and I can’t sleep
I’m tossing and turning
like the child inside me.
She has a name now
and a room all ready
for her.
We’re all ready for her.
She’s all ready for us
in her ready position
as my posture changes
every few minutes
which feel like hours
as my toes tap dance
without my permission
If only my legs
would stay in position.
I clean spiderwebs
from hidden corners of our home
while I squat and wait.
I’m patiently squatting
and waiting
and waiting…
Part IV – Labor and Delivery
In two three four
Out two three four five six
I count my breaths
as I feel the water beneath me.
I’m sweating and swaying and swearing
with every contraction
bringing us deeper, closer
Like my husband and I now
as I squeeze his hand
and breathe.
We’re transitioning now
I’m out of my mind
and my body takes over
like an animal,
we are not to be disturbed.
I’m laboring down
Breathing down
Pushing down
Down down and out.
I hear crying and cheering
as oxytocin floods my body
and I bring our baby to my chest.
Unimaginable relief.
The transition is complete.
The maiden has died
and the mother has been born.
Part V – Postpartum
Honoring the sacred pause
Taking it all in slow and easy
Soaking In the beauty of the moment,
of my husband,
of our helpers,
of our village.
Drinking in our baby as she drinks in me.
This is postpartum.
Fear Mongering and Parenthood
I heard so much fear mongering about pregnancy before I ever became pregnant. “You’re going to be really anxious.” “You’re going to have insomnia.” “You’ll feel like crap all the time.” I was legitimately frightened about the prospect of it all.
Turns out, none of those comments have been true for my experience. Not even one bit. Now do I feel as energetic and vibrant as I did before pregnancy? Of course not. Certainly not every day. But honestly, it’s like every other transition in life. You adapt.
There’s definitely a difference between friends and family wanting to give advice, and the more generalized fear mongering comments regarding pregnancy and parenthood. I’m not referring to the former. And I like to think the latter are well intentioned, just perhaps not well thought out.
The point is, every one’s experience of parenthood is so inherently unique, that we would be remiss to make any comments as if they were a one size fits all. Besides, fear mongering around parenthood doesn’t end with pregnancy. That’s half the problem. There’s always room for more. “Just wait until your first ER trip.” “Just wait until you have a raging toddler.” “You think this is hard? Try having two.” Etc.
It makes sense that people want to share their experiences. And historically, it’s easier to bond over negative ones. I’m all for the bonding. But we really should be careful with what I call our, “You’ll See” songs.
Rather than share horror stories, why not share lessons? Maybe instead of, “You’ll never sleep again,” we could say something like, “If you’re struggling with lack of sleep when the baby gets here, feel free to reach out to me. I can share some tips that worked really well for us.”
Remember, “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7) When faced with the choice to spread a message of either love or fear, let’s choose love. Let’s always choose love.
Birth is an Invitation
“You are the only one who can make it happen for you. Others can support and encourage you, but you have to find the energy and power within in order to step into the center of your own life and take charge.” – Lynda Field
Birth is an invitation. During labor, time and space are no longer relevant. Minutes are hours and days and lifetimes…
You exist as a portal between two realms. The spiritual and the physical world unite within you. It’s always been this way. That power has always existed inside you.
As your body opens, everything shifts into alignment with your spirit. Everyone in the room can feel the energy change. They follow your lead as you guide the way into the deep. You are the trailblazer. Even though you’ve never been here before your body knows the way.
Birth brings us to the end of ourselves, to the bowels of our being. Not one of us discovers the depth of our soul in the same way. And when we think we’ve pushed ourselves as far as we can go, we dig just a little deeper. One last time. To that final place. Where we find the light within that no other person can show us. Where we literally birth ourselves anew.
The Labor of Birth
The work of labor and delivery most simply put is to ‘open’ and to ‘let go’.
Labor is an opening and birth is a letting go.
What makes this process so different for each woman is what they’re opening to and what they’re letting go of. I’ll give you a hint, it’s rarely the baby. By the time labor comes around, most women are well acquainted with the idea that their baby will soon be here. Instead, the baby acts as a tool or a catalyst as the mother grows into herself and prepares to be born anew.
Some mothers open to the unknown. Some open to receiving help. Some open to their own courage. Some even open to the reality that they’re not in control, no matter how bad they want to be.
Similarly, mothers experience a letting go of exactly what is needed for their own birth to happen. Some let go of self limiting beliefs. Some let go of fear. Some let go of unhelpful but well-ingrained thought patterns. Some let go of the wheel…
Women labor and deliver not just in their bodies, but also in their minds, in their hearts, and in their souls.
Matrescence
I’m over five months pregnant and have been doing a ton of research on all things labor, delivery, newborns, and motherhood. But there’s one area in which research is lacking and that area is called, “Matrescence”. The term was coined by Dana Raphael, Ph.D. (1973) and it remains a largely unexplored area of study. In fact, I conducted a survey on my social media pages and 82% of women (mostly new mothers) had never even heard of the term!
In short, matrescence can be likened to adolescence. It refers to the process of becoming a mother. The developmental passage where a woman transitions through pre-conception, pregnancy, and birth, to the postnatal period and beyond. It recurs with each child. Of course, we all know that during pregnancy a woman’s body is changing rapidly and inside a tiny life form is taking shape to be a completely unique and individual human being upon birth. But what we often forget is that the woman herself is also changing rapidly and taking shape. Not just in a physical sense, but in a bio-psycho-social-political-spiritual way.
Yes, the mother gives birth to a child. But the child also gives birth to a mother.
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh said it best, “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.”
I’m currently working on a series about Matrescence, including a poem, which will be the first of its kind. I can’t believe no other artist has delved into this topic before! I hope that you’ll stay tuned and share this information with the women in your life. New mothers, expecting mothers, and women who want to be mothers. May we all be comforted in knowing that we’re not alone.