The crisp, sweet smell of fall reminds me of this time a couple years ago; a uniquely sweet period of healing in my life. I am reminded that stillness, presence, and grace are all powerful tools of healing that we should routinely practice, even (and especially) if we think we don’t need to.
Tag Archives: healing
Tears of Repentance
Even our tears of repentance have to be washed in the blood of Jesus.
Arguments
In an argument, have patience.
Imagine if someone were to come at you with their fists doubled, surely you would double your own just as fast.
But now, imagine someone comes to you asking to sit together, hoping to understand your point of view and exactly why yours differ. In this instance, you may find that you are not so far apart after all…that the points on which you differ are few and the points on which you agree are many.
In arguments, if only we can possess patience, and a desire to get together, we will get together.
God Speaks Isaiah 41:10
It just occurred to me that I have never shared this story before- and it’s a good one.
After the accident, I was so angry with God that I refused to open my bible for over six months (I’d been reading it daily prior to).
When I finally did, this was the page/verse I had left off on. Isaiah 41:10. Is that incredible or what?
Just Know That You Are Loved – My Personal Encounter with an Angel
Two years ago today, on the worst day of my life, I had my first encounter with an angel, at the baggage claim of the RDU airport.
I stood alone, completely wiped out and broken, waiting for my bag to come around on the conveyor belt. There were a few other people waiting for their bags there as well, not many but a few. After about two minutes, my feet could no longer support the dead weight of my body and I sat down on a nearby bench. A young man, I’d guess my age or younger, came and sat down next to me.
“Excuse me,” he interrupted my empty, swollen stare, “Are you okay?” Hardly able to even turn to face him, I nod my head and mutter back, “Yea I’m fine.” My body language was screaming, “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!” but he persisted. “It isn’t a death, is it?”
“No,” I snap back, justifying my lie with his increasingly annoying invasiveness.
“Okay, well I just wanted to say, I was in love with this girl for many years and we were happily together. I wanted to be engaged and when I asked her to marry me, she said ‘no’ and we broke up. I know it’s not the same…” he continued, despite my lack of response cues, “…but it hurt like hell.”
I managed to look him dead in the eyes this time, “It’s not the same,” I growled, my eyes piercing into him.
Looking forward, I spotted my large, brown, leather suitcase coming around the belt. One of the only ones left. I began to stand up and head towards my bag when the guy said, “Well, here,” as he handed me a 2-dollar bill, “just know that you are loved.”
I hadn’t intended to take the 2-dollar bill but there it was in my hand as I grabbed my bag from the conveyor belt. Dropping the heavy piece of luggage to the ground, I looked up to see my mom running towards me. I gave her a huge hug, momentarily allowing myself to collapse in her arms.
But wait, I wondered aloud, “Where did that guy go?”
“What guy?” my mom replied.
“The guy who just handed me this,” I waved the 2-dollar bill for her to see.
“I didn’t see any guys around, Sweetie. I saw you standing here by yourself. That’s why I came running over.”
In bewilderment, mixed with the still heavy shock of the day’s event, I stumbled towards my mom’s car, “Hmm…” I thought to myself, “Well, that was strange.”
Two years ago today, I lost my best friend in a tragic accident. He wasn’t far from me that day and he’s still as close as ever now.
My angel, I miss you.
A Story of Redemption and Experiencing God’s Grace
1 Peter 5:10 “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
I have suffered for a while. These past two years have been the most difficult times of my life, with one thing piling upon another. I wondered when I would see the light. But perhaps most importantly, I never doubted that this light would come. I never doubted God’s love for me and His goodness. I knew He had a plan and purpose for everything that was/is happening to me and I never stopped trusting Him. Probably clinging to Him tighter now, than ever before. Exactly, how He likes it- completely, wholly, even desperately dependent on Him.
This is a story about my restoration, about the light returning to my life. It is a joyful story and certainly not a complete one. But more importantly, this is a story about God and His grace, which never fails.
It was the Thursday night before I was scheduled to film my debut music video that Saturday. After a frustrating week of nagging my producer for details with no feedback, I was having a breakdown. I was furious. The shoot was Saturday and I had planned my whole week around it. The producer wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Where were the location lists, call times, wardrobe, crew names ect? Even if he sent me this information on Friday, I didn’t feel that one day was sufficient time for me to prep. I wanted to call him and scream at him! But can I? Is it right for me to bring my emotions into a work relationship? How much power and say do I really have in the matter? If I tell him how I feel, what will be his reaction? Will it change anything about the situation? Would it be worth it? If I don’t tell him how I feel, am I disrespecting myself? My feelings? Am I undermining our relationship and the honest, open communication that forms its base? These were all questions that were tormenting me that Thursday night. I struggled with them even as I fell asleep. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t want to confront him.
Friday morning, I had a meeting with my therapist. As usual, she asks me if there’s anything I want to talk about. I couldn’t think of anything “serious” that I felt I needed to talk to her about but because this music video situation was still on the forefront of my mind, I decided to give her a briefing of it. I figured at the least, she would be a good ear for me to get it off my chest. Maybe she would have some good advice on it, too. Boy, did I underestimate how God planned to use this frustrating situation and my time with the therapist that morning to work in miraculous ways.
Long story short, the therapist and I spend the hour “working” on the situation. We end up clarifying and defining my fear of confrontation as the root for why this situation was causing me such distress. Further, we even pinpointed specific events from my years in elementary school as stems for this irrational fear, which all revolve around my being unjustly shamed.
My fear, then, was not just a fear of confrontation, though it was that too. It was more a fear of being shamed. A fear of people making a big deal out of something in response to my actions. All it took was my pinpointing this fear, defining it, finding the cause of it, and rectifying that event within myself.
Before I knew it, the fear and anxiety was gone. By the time the session ended, I was no longer tormented with questions of what to do in response to my producer’s lack of follow through. I was eager to call him! Not to yell or vent but simply to talk about the next steps. It is what it is, I thought. And this is no confrontation. He and I will work this out and I’m excited to see when we can reschedule and start preparing for the new shoot date. Done and done. No anxiety. No fear. Suddenly, it wasn’t a big deal at all anymore. It was almost laughable that I let it torment me to begin with… It was never that big of a situation that I should lose sleep over it.
A huge weight was lifted from within me that Friday. Surely a day I will always remember and a blessing for which I’m indescribably grateful. The very thing I perceived as a mess the night before, had suddenly become a treasure to me, because it helped me to grow and to heal a part of me that had been carrying this burden of shame deep inside. Is God amazing or what?!
I share this story today in hopes that one of you, my readers, will relate to it. If you are feeling frustrated, anxious, or scared, I urge you to seek the cause behind those feelings within yourself. Everything you need to move forward awaits inside of you. God will take care of the details.
My Philosophy on Forgiveness
If it were up to me and me alone, I’d make you feel the pain and hurt you just as you’ve hurt me. But I know a route that starts with love and ends in love, just like a circle. It’s a healing route; life changing and fulfilling all the same. And so I choose to take with you, the path that Jesus took with me. It is the only path that works and my hope rests in its effectiveness.
You Can’t Take Someone Down From Their Own Cross
It’s hard to see someone you love in pain. It’s an instinct of love, I think, to want to help the other. But who are we to say pain is a bad thing?
You can spend hours, days, weeks, or even years trying to help your loved one heal. But you have to protect yourself in the process because you alone, of course, cannot heal them. You can’t take someone down from their own cross.
Curing vs. Healing
We thought we could cure everything, but it turns out that we can cure only a small amount of human suffering. The rest of it needs to be healed and that’s different.
– Rachel Naomi Remen
10 Lies We Need to Stop Telling Ourselves