Tag Archives: diary

Conversation with God – Galatians 5:22-23

Posted on by under Christian Spirituality, Conversations with God

It is written, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

This is where the fruit of the Spirit lives, in your heart. It is where I reside. If you can quiet your mind enough to listen to your heart and be present in every moment, there you will find all the fruits of the Spirit and many more gifts as well.

All you have to do is stay present and open. Here you will find all the fruits of the Spirit and they will fill your entire being, intertwining themselves in your life and relationships. I will be there. I am.

Conversation with God – Prayer

Posted on by under Conversations with God

My loved one, why do you have such little faith? I have been anxiously waiting for a time to speak with you. I try everyday but you busy yourself so as not to hear. My child, rest in me. Cast your burdens on to me. I care for you. Do not let this world distract you with its concerns. Keep your eyes on me. I have great plans for you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Will you listen to me as I reveal them to you? I am not done with you yet, my child. No, we are just getting starting. You are growing stronger, in heart and character, every time you lean on me for strength. I am all you need. A pillar of strength.

I’d like to give you all that you ask of, if you are willing to accept my gifts. I don’t always answer your prayers as you think I will, and certainly not always on your time. But fear not, little one. I am your Father and am with you always. When you write, child, I speak through you loud and clear. Don’t you see what a gift this is? I will use your gifts to do miraculous things. Don’t give up on me, for I will never give up on you. When your will and my will align, beloved, I promise you will have all that you want and more. Stay with me. I love you.

Conversation With God – Matthew 11:28

Posted on by under Conversations with God

It is written, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) Why are you weary, little one? I am here, always here, crying out to you in a gentle whisper like the wind. I know every hair on your head and when it will fall. I knew you before you were born and I loved you – then, now, and always. Can you grasp my love for you?

Not yet, but you can fixate on it. Fill yourself with it. Like a car refueled, you will be more alive, more ready and able to do what I have called you to do. We are on this journey together, so why do you try to go at it alone? It hurts me to see you carrying such heavy loads, bring them to me for my burden is light.

Fill up on my love so that you will stop trying to fill up on worldly things, things that don’t satisfy you, that don’t please me, and that don’t help us. You want to live, child? You must first die; to yourself and to your desires. You know this and yet forget that in order to live each day, you must die again each day. I give you enough to get through one day alone. And so we take this journey together one day at a time. Living fully each day by dying fully each day.

I love to see you in the morning, precious one. It allows me to guide your day and you to live in awareness and communion with me. Often, you are like the workers who rush off to their fields to pick the crops that are growing in their own home. Yes, child, have your fill in the morning, so that I can show you what you need each day and lead you through it.

I wait for you to follow, lamb. And when you wander, I go searching for you. I am your Shepherd and I will never leave you. I love you.

An Amazing Story of Facebook and God Colliding

Posted on by under Personal Life Reflections

This past weekend, I received an amazing message from my 10th grade History teacher. I hadn’t spoken to him in almost ten years when he reached out to me on Facebook this past weekend. See his message below.

I remember years ago, being in his class and feeling called to write him a note of encouragement. I never heard from him about the note that year, so I assumed it didn’t mean much to him and frankly, as time went on, I forgot about it. Little did I know, God had plans for this note that were far greater than I could have hoped at the time.

This is an amazing testimony to why we must answer God’s calling at the moment we hear it, whether or not we can foresee any positive results. His timing is perfect!

facebook message

Here was my response…

facebook response

 

What Do You Know?

Posted on by under Personal Life Reflections

There aren’t many things about which I hold strong opinions. I consider myself to be high on the continuum of open-mindedness.

But there are a few things about which I am certain.

Like my distaste for Kindles and other electronic reading devices. Nothing can replace the joy that comes from the process of driving to a book store, picking out a book of choice, and walking away with said new book in hand.

Likewise, I will always favor a pencil to blank paper over a computer, tablet, or smart phone. There is magic in the movement of hand to paper that simply cannot be replicated.

I also know that my dog was sent here from heaven. To be with me in times of need and teach me how to love.

Finally, I know that I lose track of time, and also myself, whenever I am editing a video, writing a song, recording a performance, or performing live. Scientists call this “in the zone.”

These things I know for certain. What do you know?

A Story of Redemption and Experiencing God’s Grace

Posted on by under Personal Life Reflections

Redemption

 

1 Peter 5:10 “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

I have suffered for a while. These past two years have been the most difficult times of my life, with one thing piling upon another. I wondered when I would see the light. But perhaps most importantly, I never doubted that this light would come. I never doubted God’s love for me and His goodness. I knew He had a plan and purpose for everything that was/is happening to me and I never stopped trusting Him. Probably clinging to Him tighter now, than ever before. Exactly, how He likes it- completely, wholly, even desperately dependent on Him.

This is a story about my restoration, about the light returning to my life. It is a joyful story and certainly not a complete one. But more importantly, this is a story about God and His grace, which never fails.

It was the Thursday night before I was scheduled to film my debut music video that Saturday. After a frustrating week of nagging my producer for details with no feedback, I was having a breakdown. I was furious. The shoot was Saturday and I had planned my whole week around it. The producer wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Where were the location lists, call times, wardrobe, crew names ect? Even if he sent me this information on Friday, I didn’t feel that one day was sufficient time for me to prep. I wanted to call him and scream at him! But can I? Is it right for me to bring my emotions into a work relationship? How much power and say do I really have in the matter? If I tell him how I feel, what will be his reaction? Will it change anything about the situation? Would it be worth it? If I don’t tell him how I feel, am I disrespecting myself? My feelings? Am I undermining our relationship and the honest, open communication that forms its base? These were all questions that were tormenting me that Thursday night. I struggled with them even as I fell asleep. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t want to confront him.

Friday morning, I had a meeting with my therapist. As usual, she asks me if there’s anything I want to talk about. I couldn’t think of anything “serious” that I felt I needed to talk to her about but because this music video situation was still on the forefront of my mind, I decided to give her a briefing of it. I figured at the least, she would be a good ear for me to get it off my chest. Maybe she would have some good advice on it, too. Boy, did I underestimate how God planned to use this frustrating situation and my time with the therapist that morning to work in miraculous ways.

Long story short, the therapist and I spend the hour “working” on the situation. We end up clarifying and defining my fear of confrontation as the root for why this situation was causing me such distress. Further, we even pinpointed specific events from my years in elementary school as stems for this irrational fear, which all revolve around my being unjustly shamed.

My fear, then, was not just a fear of confrontation, though it was that too. It was more a fear of being shamed. A fear of people making a big deal out of something in response to my actions. All it took was my pinpointing this fear, defining it, finding the cause of it, and rectifying that event within myself.

Before I knew it, the fear and anxiety was gone. By the time the session ended, I was no longer tormented with questions of what to do in response to my producer’s lack of follow through. I was eager to call him! Not to yell or vent but simply to talk about the next steps. It is what it is, I thought. And this is no confrontation. He and I will work this out and I’m excited to see when we can reschedule and start preparing for the new shoot date. Done and done. No anxiety. No fear. Suddenly, it wasn’t a big deal at all anymore. It was almost laughable that I let it torment me to begin with… It was never that big of a situation that I should lose sleep over it.

A huge weight was lifted from within me that Friday. Surely a day I will always remember and a blessing for which I’m indescribably grateful. The very thing I perceived as a mess the night before, had suddenly become a treasure to me, because it helped me to grow and to heal a part of me that had been carrying this burden of shame deep inside. Is God amazing or what?!

I share this story today in hopes that one of you, my readers, will relate to it. If you are feeling frustrated, anxious, or scared, I urge you to seek the cause behind those feelings within yourself. Everything you need to move forward awaits inside of you. God will take care of the details.

A Moment of Venting

Posted on by under Personal Life Reflections

What you really owe me is an apology. For treating me as your inferior, for neglecting me, for taking advantage of my kindness and patience. Yes, you owe me an apology.

But I do not expect one from you.

Although your behavior would suggest you’re an awful person, I refuse to succumb to such a belief. I choose instead to believe in your goodness and continue to love you.

I choose to believe that your actions stem out of your own defensiveness, a protection you’ve formed for yourself, and I feel for you. You must have been burned many times to form a protective shell as hard as yours. You must be very hurt to hurt others as you do.

Judging you is not my place, but I will continue to pray for you. Acting out or seeking revenge is not the path I plan to take. Instead, I will love you and forgive you and hope you begin to see that there’s good in this world- that you’re safe after all.

A Personal Post on Love and Loss

Posted on by under Personal Life Reflections
It’s a strange thing when you start to feel better after thinking you never would. It’s even stranger when you want to love again after losing the love of your life. A part of you says, “No, you can’t! It’d be a betrayal.” But another part of you, the better part of you, screams, “Yes! Live again! Love again!”

Truth is, he is the love of my life. And that will never change. But he is the love of that life. No doubt in my mind he was the soul mate for that me. But when you lose someone who is the most important part of your life, your world changes. And so do you. Inevitably and irreversibly, you’re not the same person you were.  And now I understand, there’s going to be another perfect person for the new me. Another love of my new life.  And that person will in no way undermine his position in my heart.

Some people only get to live one life, but I’ve been given two. Perhaps, as we each navigate this world and our relationships, we can all see it as a new life each time we cycle round and round.

Finally, I realize there is no better way to honor him and our love then by embracing my new life and finding a new person to love. I am ready.

 

Is Freedom Really What We Want? (A Personal Reflection)

Posted on by under Personal Life Reflections, Uncategorized

When my boyfriend died, the life I knew died along with him. Shortly thereafter, I packed up all of my belongings, everything I had acquired in California, and drove across the country to be back home again in North Carolina. Because, of course, when the world fails you, the only place you have to go is home.

Within one year, I had a monumental career change, my parents divorced, my childhood home was sold, and I was living on my own in an apartment for the first time in my life. All this change in only one year! Even writing about it now, it seems surreal. How has my life become so crazy, so chaotic? How have I been able to push through, to survive?

Well, God is good. And that is where I am now. Completely lost, approaching the second birthday that I will spend without my boyfriend and the only thing that I know for certain is God’s goodness and grace. Other than that, I feel adrift. Floating in a world that I have no control over, a world that is constantly shifting, one without ground.

I guess on the bright side, I have nothing holding me back. I have no attachments that hold me down, hold me steady. I’m free to fly like a bird, as I have always yearned to do.

This also means I have little security, no sense of stability, a feeling of total loss of control. Does a baby bird feel this way before it leaves its nest for the first time? I wonder. And how many nests will I have to leave? Is flying free really all it’s cracked up to be?

bird

Diary of a 20 Something Year Old

Posted on by under Personal Life Reflections

I love writing. I especially love writing poems. Songs, even more. All things rhythmic. I also love performing. There is nothing in the world that brings me such utter, pure joy as performing. So what am I doing? I’m on my way back from Costa Rica, dreading the arrival of my reality. Aside from my dog and a few choice people, the home that awaits me is one full of questions.

Who loves me? Who do I love? Where is the man I can love forever? When will I meet him? Have I already?

What am I doing with my life? What are my options? Return to school and get a Master’s in Creative Writing? Then what? Write my own memoir? About what? Who am I?

What about my music career? Am I trying hard enough? Should I give up? Didn’t someone tell me never to give up? When does never end?

How will I perform? I need to perform. It lives inside of me, performance, and if insufficiently fed, it feeds on its very host (my soul). This I know.

What about my album? What do I do when it’s released? What are my next steps? How do I move forward? Will anyone help me? Who? When will it be released? Who cares other than me? Does it matter?

Should I travel “while I still can”? Mission work? Tropical countries? Become fluent in Spanish? I loved everything about Costa Rica. Could I live there? Would I?

Should I keep living here? Is this the right place for me?

Does it feel like it? No.

Am I comfortable? Yes.

I know some answers…