Tag Archives: power

Nothing Can Stop What’s Coming

Posted on by under Personal Life Reflections

When I was pregnant, I loved reading positive birth stories from other women. I knew very little about birth when I first became pregnant and by the end of nine months, I knew quite a bit more. Birth isn’t something to be feared and it doesn’t have to be traumatic, though unfortunately, in many cases it is.

When we take birth back to its natural state, it can be dreamy and blissful and empowering. When we reclaim birth as our own, rather than a medical emergency, we reclaim our power as women. And boy oh boy, are we powerful.

My first daughter, Brooks, was born at 6:55pm on Monday, May 8th after 26 hours of labor. Completely intervention free and unmedicated. I don’t have a “high pain tolerance”. I cringe at needles and feel faint when I see blood. Yet natural childbirth was one of the greatest, most joyful experiences of my life. I long for other women to get to experience it. If I can do it, anyone can. Here’s our story:

The final weeks of my pregnancy are blissful. I’m flooded with oxytocin, have a ton of energy, and feel so present and connected with God. 

I’m convinced that Brooks will be born early, in the 39th week. When that week comes and goes, I decide to stop “waiting” for her. I’m prepared to go the whole 42 weeks. I know she’ll come when she’s ready. I’m soaking in the unknown. 

And then, on Sunday May 7th, around 1:30pm in the afternoon, I suddenly start to feel a shift in my energy. I don’t think much of it. At this point, I’m doing my best to ignore any potential signs of labor. We have plans to drop off a casserole to our friends and neighbors down the street.

Around 4pm, early contractions begin. My husband, Powell, ends up dropping off the casserole on his own. I feel bad that I have to back out of the visit, but I know something’s amiss.

At first, it’s like a tightening in my lower back that radiates around to my front and then goes away. I decide to start timing the sensations to see if there’s any pattern to them. They’re coming every ten minutes and lasting around 30-45 seconds. But I’m still not sure this is labor. After all, being a first time mom, I don’t know what to expect. 

When Powell gets home, we go for a walk with our dog, Capone. I have a couple contractions on the walk as we head up a hill. I have to grab onto Powell for support. He takes notice. The contractions continue on like this through dinner, while we watch, “Don’t Look Up” on Netflix, and I make a flower art piece called, “Brooks”. 

We continue timing the contractions and text our Doula, Katie, to give her a heads up. The app that we’re using to time the contractions keeps saying, “Get ready to go to the hospital” or “Time to go to the hospital.” But I ignore it. My plan is to labor at home for as long as possible. Katie suggests we get some rest, so we go to bed early. 

The contractions get stronger when I lay down and I’m having trouble sleeping through them. The first half of the night, I wake up Powell every time one is coming. He rubs my back, applies counter pressure and a heating pad. I know something strange is happening in my body, but I’m still not convinced it’s labor. 

Around 3-4am, Powell expresses his desperation for sleep. I decide he’s right. One of us should be getting some rest. I can handle these on my own. So, for the rest of the morning, I labor on my own in bed. Thankfully, I’m able to fall asleep in between the contractions. Which are now ranging from 5-10 minutes apart and lasting about one minute each. 

When the sun comes up on Monday morning, Powell decides to stay home from work. I’m still not convinced about labor, but he thinks surely something meaningful is happening. It’s been going on for so long… 

Around 10:45am, I lose my mucus plug and have a bloody show. I’m excited! Something is actually happening! As the day goes on, I develop a coping mechanism for every time a contraction hits. It’s instinctual and I can’t help myself. I begin a low guttural chanting. It sounds African to me. Powell says it reminds him of Gregorian chanting, which I didn’t even know was a thing but he learned about it in high school. It does sound similar when we look up Gregorian chanting on YouTube. 

I do laundry and pick up around the house. Pausing for contractions as they come. They’re coming every 5 minutes now and I just stop whatever I’m doing and hum/chant/breathe my way through. Around 1:30pm, they’re getting stronger and closer to 3 or 4 minutes apart. I decide to cancel my 2:30pm massage appointment and tell Powell to get the bath ready. 

I get into the bath and shortly after, Powell suggests we call our doula, Katie. On the phone, I try to pull myself together, (still thinking maybe this isn’t active labor), and she says she’ll be over in an hour or so. Based off my voice, she doesn’t think I’m in active labor yet. 

But only about 45 mins later, I’m side lying on the bed and calling out to Powell, “Where’s Katie?!” By the time she arrives, around 3:30/4pm, I’m most certainly in active labor. My disposition has changed to one of true focus. Though I’m still convincing myself maybe this isn’t labor. I laugh in between contractions. And then I cry to Katie, “I’m just worried this isn’t dilating me and we’ll get to the hospital too early.” I know I want an intervention free birth. I’m determined to stay at home as long as possible. 

The song, “Rivers and Roads” by The Head and The Heart comes on my phone and we sing our way through another couple contractions. I’m back in the bath now and Katie says to me, “I’ve been seeing your body work really hard. I think it’s safe to say you’re in active labor and you may even be beyond that. Are you ready to go to the hospital?” Okay, I surrender. 

It takes us what feels like forever to get into the car. The contractions are coming every 2 minutes now and lasting about a minute each. I’m in transition. We have to get to the first floor of our house, as we’ve been in the master bedroom and bath upstairs. I contract going down the stairs. Then we have to get into the car. I contract in the driveway. I contract a few more times during the 5 minute drive to the hospital. 

I’m not even wearing shoes when we pull up to the fire lane at the hospital. I get out of the car and contract against the side of it. Someone from inside sees me and brings me a wheelchair. I’m wheeled into the lobby for check in. We realize I don’t have my ID or purse. So Powell rushes back home to get it.

I’m completely in my zone now. I’m barely speaking. I remember looking around the lobby. There’s probably about five people in there, looking back at me. I’m wondering why they’re looking at me. I’m holding it together, I think. And just then, I feel another one coming and yell out, “Sorry everybody! Here comes another one!” I then begin my loud groans and animalistic cries. They wheel me back into a labor room, skipping triage and check in. 

It’s around 6pm when we arrive to the hospital and our midwife doesn’t begin her shift until 6:30pm. I’m greeted by the hospital midwife who covers for her during the day, Laura. She used to work at the local birthing center. She’s familiar with natural childbirth. She checks me and tells me I’m 100% effaced and over 9cm dilated. This is great news! But I’m too focused to react. Another one is coming. About 20 minutes later, Powell is back and he’s in the room with us. Laura tells me when I feel the urge to push, to follow it. 

Sure enough, I soon feel the power that has been gripping me begin to move down through me. As it moves down, I groan and push it along. I’m side lying on the bed and Powell holds my leg in the air. At 6:30pm our midwife, Stacie, arrives to take over the shift. Laura slips out.

Stacie greets me sweetly and calmly. She whispers to me how great I’m doing and how close I am to meeting my baby. She asks me when’s the last time I peed. Not since before I got into the bath back home, I think to myself, as the others try to answer for me. Okay, let’s see if you can get up and try to pee. I think sitting on the toilet will be nice and I also think, if I stand up, this baby will fall out of me. I rise to make my way towards the bathroom. I take two steps before dropping into the squat position. My baby is crowning. 

Stacie is prepared in case I deliver right there on the floor. She can see my baby moving through the canal and says she’s doing so good. That I’m doing so good. Can I get back on the bed? She asks me. Oh boy, that will be difficult but okay, I think. I get back onto the bed on all fours and begin to push my baby out. Probably only three contractions later and I hear, “You’re doing great, this is the ring of fire.” Then I hear the head is out. Sure enough, the next contraction comes and with no straining at all my body pushes the rest of the baby out and Brooks is born. “Grab your baby!”

I reach between by legs and pull her up to my chest. I’m in total shock and disbelief. I did it! I proclaim. We did it! I look at Brooks. I’m so proud of her, and of myself. I lay down on the bed, finally on my back. What a relief! I bring her to my breast and she latches on. I assure everyone in the room that it wasn’t nearly as bad as it sounded. They laugh. We all laugh. I’m in pure ecstasy. And I stay that way for two whole weeks after the birth. It’s a high unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

A couple hours after the birth, Powell asks me, “What did it feel like?” I try to think of words to describe the sensation but I’m at a loss. Powerful? Yes. Intense? Yes. Painful? Not at all. It’s a bit like a train that’s coming towards you, and you can’t get out of the way. Like a huge wave in the ocean and you have no where to go. Finally, I think I’ve found the perfect phrase. It feels like, “Nothing can stop what is coming.”

If We Understood…

Posted on by under Quotes

If we understood the power of our thoughts, we would guard them more closely.
If we understood the awesome power of our words, we would prefer silence to almost anything negative.
In our thoughts and words we create our own weaknesses and our own strengths.
Our limitations and joys begin in our hearts.
We can always replace negative with positive.

~ Bettie Eadie

Posted on by under Quotes

“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.” -Eckhart Tolle

Conversation with God – Isaiah 55:8-9

Posted on by under Conversations with God

It is written, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the Earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9) My lamb, it pleases me to see you needy for me. I know that this world can be hard on you but fear not! I am your God and I love you.

It is a great place to be; in dependence, desperately surrendering to me. For in your weakness, my power is made known. My power is able to work through the cracks in your life that you perceive as trials. I can assure you, child, trials are not what you presume them to be.

Continue to abide in me, little one, so that I may direct your path. So that my power may shine through your life, both in times of trial and times of joy.

Conversation with God on Dating

Posted on by under Conversations with God

You must approach dating with a pure heart, as that is my heart. Do not lust after your brother or sister, because then you are not approaching him/her motive-free.

Think of how you came to know and love me. It is because I first loved you. For no reason. With no motives. And so you accepted my love. And then returned it.

Dear one, this is how you all are wired. If you play the world’s love game, you will surely lose. You are on my team, the winning team, and if you play by my rules, you will always be victorious.

Conversation with God – Psalm 5:3

Posted on by under Conversations with God

It is written, “In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice…” (Psalm 5:3) Thank you, little one, for coming back to me this morning. I am a proud father. Well pleased. The morning is my favorite time to sit with you, before your mind has begun and your day has yet started. My joy comes in the morning. By meeting with me now, you are able to take my joy as a gift and carry it with you throughout the day, using it to bless those around you.

When you look at Buddy (my dog), laying peacefully beside you, think of how much joy and warmth it brings to you. Now multiply that by one billion, and that is what it is like for me to see you resting peacefully in me.

Yet remember, I did not come to bring peace. But to save. So lean on me during all times and my peace will transcend your circumstances. I am your Rescuer. May you go in peace.

How Social Media Has Screwed Our Definition of “Cool” and 5 Things We Think Are Cool, That Really Aren’t at All

Posted on by under How To/Advice

How do you define “cool”? Webster’s Dictionary defines it as, “fashionably attractive or impressive.” But that seems rather relative, don’t you think? I mean who defines what’s fashionably attractive or impressive? And what is our culture’s obsession with wanting to be “cool”?

As if the “cool” concept wasn’t already complicated enough, now, thanks to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and the like, we are watching what is “cool” unfold, transform, and solidify right before our very eyes. Everyday images on our computers and iPhones are infiltrating our minds and heavily influencing, even manipulating, our thoughts. We see pictures of celebrities rocking an eclectic haircut then we go out and get it because we think it’s cool. We see our friends rocking a particular fashion style, everybody is doing it, and so it must be cool! Without a doubt, social networking sites have screwed up our already skewed definition of “cool”. So, using these same social networking sites, I’ve set out to inform the public of 5 things we think are “cool”, that really aren’t at all.

  1. Celebrities. Now let me be clear, certainly a celebrity can be cool, but their celebrity status alone doesn’t make it so. The problem is, we tend to assume that a celebrity is “cool” when in reality we know nothing about him/her as a person. Granted, many celebrities are also trendsetters and that can be cool, but not if their taste is bad! …Or their morals… behaviors…hearts… At the end of the day, their character, just like ours, trumps all. And unless you know them personally, it’s doubtful you could know their character.

celebrity

  1. Money. Money isn’t cool! It’s a commodity, a method of trade. So why do we assume because a person has money they must be cool?! Again, it’s social media that’s throwing us off here. We see them on a yacht, travelling high seas, doing big things, and we think, “Hey! That’s cool!” Which it is. But that doesn’t mean the person doing those things is.

money

  1. Exclusivity. Exclusivity seems to be all the rage these days. Exclusive clubs, exclusive parties, exclusive events, exclusive invites. It’s absurd. I get that it’s human nature to want what you can’t have, and perhaps that explains why we think exclusive things are “cool”, but really?! Exclusive is the opposite of inclusive, and in my book- that’s not cool.

exclusive

  1. Fame. How cool does never being alone for the rest of your life sound to you? Yea…not cool at all.

famous

  1. Popularity. We assume when someone is popular that they must be cool. But what if this person has so many “friends” because they can’t be alone? That’s not cool. To go even further, what if this person is an addict or an alcoholic and that’s the reason they are always partying and out on the town? Again, Not cool.

popular

Which brings us full circle. The point is we should never assume a person is “cool” just because he/she is a celebrity, has money, goes to exclusive parties, is famous, or popular, or any other reason for that matter. Especially when we only know that person via social media (i.e. We haven’t seen them in many years, or worse, we’ve never met them at all).

Only you know what matters and what doesn’t in your character preferences. So you are the only one who can define what “cool” means to you. No one and nothing else can do that for you. In the same way, we must each individually define who is cool, through the only means possible, by getting to know the person…which you cant do on social media, might I add.

And while I’m at it, the number of “likes” you have, has nothing to do with how “cool” you are either. But that’s another article for another day.

So don’t let social media screw with your head. Remove your blinders and always remember that you are an individual, and for that, you are cool.

Using Love as Money

Posted on by under Relationships & Love

Consider what metaphors we use to describe love and relationships.

We value people. We invest in relationships. People are priceless. A relationship can be bankrupt.

All economic metaphors.

I believe our problem is clear. We think of love as a commodity, using it for trade like money.

If someone is doing something for us, offering us time, gifts, social status, ect., we feel that they are valuable. With love, we withhold affirmation from those who don’t agree with us and lavishly finance those who do.

But love is not a commodity. And it doesn’t work like the economy. When you trade with love, everybody loses.

The Bible

Posted on by under Christian Spirituality

The Bible is like a caged lion.

lion

If someone is attacking the lion, don’t try to defend it…

Just unlock the cage.

A Story of Redemption and Experiencing God’s Grace

Posted on by under Personal Life Reflections

Redemption

 

1 Peter 5:10 “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

I have suffered for a while. These past two years have been the most difficult times of my life, with one thing piling upon another. I wondered when I would see the light. But perhaps most importantly, I never doubted that this light would come. I never doubted God’s love for me and His goodness. I knew He had a plan and purpose for everything that was/is happening to me and I never stopped trusting Him. Probably clinging to Him tighter now, than ever before. Exactly, how He likes it- completely, wholly, even desperately dependent on Him.

This is a story about my restoration, about the light returning to my life. It is a joyful story and certainly not a complete one. But more importantly, this is a story about God and His grace, which never fails.

It was the Thursday night before I was scheduled to film my debut music video that Saturday. After a frustrating week of nagging my producer for details with no feedback, I was having a breakdown. I was furious. The shoot was Saturday and I had planned my whole week around it. The producer wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Where were the location lists, call times, wardrobe, crew names ect? Even if he sent me this information on Friday, I didn’t feel that one day was sufficient time for me to prep. I wanted to call him and scream at him! But can I? Is it right for me to bring my emotions into a work relationship? How much power and say do I really have in the matter? If I tell him how I feel, what will be his reaction? Will it change anything about the situation? Would it be worth it? If I don’t tell him how I feel, am I disrespecting myself? My feelings? Am I undermining our relationship and the honest, open communication that forms its base? These were all questions that were tormenting me that Thursday night. I struggled with them even as I fell asleep. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t want to confront him.

Friday morning, I had a meeting with my therapist. As usual, she asks me if there’s anything I want to talk about. I couldn’t think of anything “serious” that I felt I needed to talk to her about but because this music video situation was still on the forefront of my mind, I decided to give her a briefing of it. I figured at the least, she would be a good ear for me to get it off my chest. Maybe she would have some good advice on it, too. Boy, did I underestimate how God planned to use this frustrating situation and my time with the therapist that morning to work in miraculous ways.

Long story short, the therapist and I spend the hour “working” on the situation. We end up clarifying and defining my fear of confrontation as the root for why this situation was causing me such distress. Further, we even pinpointed specific events from my years in elementary school as stems for this irrational fear, which all revolve around my being unjustly shamed.

My fear, then, was not just a fear of confrontation, though it was that too. It was more a fear of being shamed. A fear of people making a big deal out of something in response to my actions. All it took was my pinpointing this fear, defining it, finding the cause of it, and rectifying that event within myself.

Before I knew it, the fear and anxiety was gone. By the time the session ended, I was no longer tormented with questions of what to do in response to my producer’s lack of follow through. I was eager to call him! Not to yell or vent but simply to talk about the next steps. It is what it is, I thought. And this is no confrontation. He and I will work this out and I’m excited to see when we can reschedule and start preparing for the new shoot date. Done and done. No anxiety. No fear. Suddenly, it wasn’t a big deal at all anymore. It was almost laughable that I let it torment me to begin with… It was never that big of a situation that I should lose sleep over it.

A huge weight was lifted from within me that Friday. Surely a day I will always remember and a blessing for which I’m indescribably grateful. The very thing I perceived as a mess the night before, had suddenly become a treasure to me, because it helped me to grow and to heal a part of me that had been carrying this burden of shame deep inside. Is God amazing or what?!

I share this story today in hopes that one of you, my readers, will relate to it. If you are feeling frustrated, anxious, or scared, I urge you to seek the cause behind those feelings within yourself. Everything you need to move forward awaits inside of you. God will take care of the details.