It just occurred to me that I have never shared this story before- and it’s a good one.
After the accident, I was so angry with God that I refused to open my bible for over six months (I’d been reading it daily prior to).
When I finally did, this was the page/verse I had left off on. Isaiah 41:10. Is that incredible or what?
The good thing about pain is that it breaks down the walls of your ego, tones back relentless ambitions, and forces you into the present – enhancing your awareness of and appreciation for all of the people in your life. As it is through and with these people, that you can once again experience moments of joy.
Why It Hurts to See You Fight (A Poem on Divorce. From the child within me.)
It hurts me to see you fight.
I wish there was something I could do.
Anything to stop the war
Silently waging between you two.
The silence is what hurts the most.
You pretend everything’s fine.
Telling me it’s just an argument,
When it happens every time.
But I can see the bitterness
behind the words you say.
Using your tongues as weapons,
Piercing all that’s in your way.
So every time I watch you fight
I get hit with daggers too
They soar to my left, wrong, and right
Because I’m standing between you
It’s a heavy weight to hold,
Your parents’ wounded love.
It feels my urgent duty
To protect what I’m a product of.
When you fight I choose no side
As I feel for both of you.
I don’t notice who is wrong or right,
I only look for truth.
And the truth is that you’re both amazing,
just the way you are
I’m overwhelmed with love each day,
I love your flaws and all.
I wish you could see eachother
The way that I see each of you.
Some days they seem forgotten-
The countless attractions of you two.
Maybe if we focused hard
On all the good in us,
We’d forgive all of the little faults
And see things like Jesus does.
What you really owe me is an apology. For treating me as your inferior, for neglecting me, for taking advantage of my kindness and patience. Yes, you owe me an apology.
But I do not expect one from you.
Although your behavior would suggest you’re an awful person, I refuse to succumb to such a belief. I choose instead to believe in your goodness and continue to love you.
I choose to believe that your actions stem out of your own defensiveness, a protection you’ve formed for yourself, and I feel for you. You must have been burned many times to form a protective shell as hard as yours. You must be very hurt to hurt others as you do.
Judging you is not my place, but I will continue to pray for you. Acting out or seeking revenge is not the path I plan to take. Instead, I will love you and forgive you and hope you begin to see that there’s good in this world- that you’re safe after all.
It’s hard to see someone you love in pain. It’s an instinct of love, I think, to want to help the other. But who are we to say pain is a bad thing?
You can spend hours, days, weeks, or even years trying to help your loved one heal. But you have to protect yourself in the process because you alone, of course, cannot heal them. You can’t take someone down from their own cross.
Truth is, he is the love of my life. And that will never change. But he is the love of that life. No doubt in my mind he was the soul mate for that me. But when you lose someone who is the most important part of your life, your world changes. And so do you. Inevitably and irreversibly, you’re not the same person you were. And now I understand, there’s going to be another perfect person for the new me. Another love of my new life. And that person will in no way undermine his position in my heart.
Some people only get to live one life, but I’ve been given two. Perhaps, as we each navigate this world and our relationships, we can all see it as a new life each time we cycle round and round.
Finally, I realize there is no better way to honor him and our love then by embracing my new life and finding a new person to love. I am ready.
Heartbreak Hero
Come take my lovin’ away
Heartbreak Hero
Won’t you fly in and save the day
Never know when you’re coming
Never know how long you’ll stay
You’re my heartbreak hero
Couldn’t have you any other way
Just like if humans were to create robots that turn against us, so does suffering breed the very thing that ends it: compassion.
Go to another country and fall in love with someone who doesn’t speak your language.
Then you realize words are just words.
We use them carelessly, wrecklessly, and far too often. We toss words around like rice but whether they fall on deaf ears or pierce souls, we can’t be sure. Once spoken, we relinquish control.
Once they slither from our tongues, they become like mist- impossible to catch, form, or direct.
Like moments and bullets, once out there, words can’t be retrieved.
So communicate with body language, feeling, energies, but use words only when necessary. So much pain and misunderstanding could be skirted if we used less words.
Suffering is
the dark cloud
that produces tears
like
rain
watering the flower
of compassion,
enabling it
to
grow.