It’s a strange thing when you start to feel better after thinking that you never would.
It’s even stranger when you want to love again after losing the love of your life.
A part of you screams, “No, you can’t! It’d be a betrayal.”
But another part of you, the better part of you, whispers, “Yes. Live again. Love again.”
There is no better way to honor yourself than trusting your intuition when it whispers.
“As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won’t need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices.
If you keep this agreement, you can travel around the world with your heart completely open and no one can hurt you. You can say, “I love you” without fear of being ridiculed or rejected. You can ask for what you need. You can say yes, or you can say no – whatever you choose – without guilt or self-judgment. You can choose to follow your heart always.”
-Don Miguel Ruiz
For many people, Valentine’s Day comes with a lot of expectations and pressure. For others, it’s a dreaded day where we try to distract ourselves from the pervading sense of loneliness.
All in all, Valentine’s Day doesn’t seem to be working well. So why don’t we try a new approach to this national holiday?
Instead of worrying about who will shower us with love, what gifts we’ll give, and what we’ll receive, let’s love people where they are. Let’s love the people who are around us, whoever they may be and no matter our relationship to them. Even if the only person we see all day is a gas station attendant, let’s love that person.
One of my favorite passages from Donald Miller’s book, Blue Like Jazz explains why loving people where they are is so crucial.
“…to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. So a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can’t accept who God is- a Being that is Love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people…that is why God tells us so many times to love each other.” – Donald Miller
Spread love.
“I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, He will not ask, ‘How many good things have you done in your life?’ rather He will ask, ‘How much love did you put into what you did?”
― Mother Teresa
This is one of my absolute favorite quotes from Mother Teresa. It reminds me of Howard Thurman when he wrote, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
The message in both is plain and clear. Passion is our purpose. Figure out what you love and do it as often as you can. Then share it with as many people as you can. So that they may be inspired to find and follow their own passion.
Spread the love.
What’s up with this idea of losing yourself in a relationship somehow being romantic?
We hear it in song lyrics, see it on television shows, and even read about it in magazines and on dating websites. For some reason, the idea is romanticized, but this really bothers me.
I mean, I understand how it happens… You get so comfortable with another person, feel so safe with them, it can be consuming. I get it.
Sometimes, even, we can become so concerned with the other person that we forget about ourselves. And as a result, we stop voicing our opinions, become excessively agreeable, and ultimately, as a person, we disappear.
But that’s not romantic. That’s lazy.
We have to keep in mind that our partner initially chose us because of who we are, what we bring to the table, and how we add to the relationship/his or her life.
The bottom line is that a relationship takes two people and if we don’t show up, we’re undermining the very purpose of it.
It takes a certain kind of person to agree to travel with a virtual stranger, into unknown territory, for an unknown period of time. A rebellious soul; fearless, faithful, and perhaps a bit crazy.
That was Mason and I when we agreed to travel together to Hawaii, island hop, and explore the unknown.
All in all we wound up spending around 100 hours together.
To spend 100 hours straight with another person can be challenging no matter how long you’ve known one another.
We didn’t know for certain where we’d sleep on any given night; unsure of how we’d get there, or even where we were going.
Our 100 hours together was characterized by uncertainty and vulnerability.
The defining characteristics of any moment worth living.
You learn a lot about a person in 100 hours. But you learn even more about yourself.
See, when you’re traveling with a stranger, you can’t afford to worry about whether or not they like you. You’re stuck together regardless, and you’re only option is to be yourself.
It’s not like most initial meetings, where you tip toe around one another for an undetermined amount of time in what I call the “Getting Comfortable dance”. It’s not like that at all.
The only dance you’re doing is your very own, to a song that comes directly from your heart, to the very drum that makes yours beat.
You come to appreciate the differences, the things that make us unique as individuals and also the imperfections, which define and unite us as human beings.
When you’re traveling with a stranger, of course, you hope that the other person’s moves will be in rhythm with your own.
Sometimes they are. Sometimes they’re not.
But at the end of 100 hours, you come to learn that it doesn’t really matter anyway…
What matters most is that you stepped onto the dance floor at all.
Because when you only have 100 years to live, you have to know your own steps so good, and trust your own rhythm so much, that it will one day be unmistakable and undeniable when you find that person who sways the way you do.
“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her.
Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want.
You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.”
-Don Miguel Ruiz
My hope for you this New Year
is forgiveness of yourself and others,
revival of what matters most,
relationships with friends and lovers.
My hope for you is motivation,
bigger dreams, and inspiration.
Realistic goals and follow through,
these things are my hope for you.
My hope for you this New Year
is healing what you’ve broken;
repairing, mending, letting go
of all apologies left unspoken.
I hope when you look back to where
you were this time last year,
you’re in an entirely different place.
Your truest self is ever near.
I hope that you have grown and changed.
With open arms embrace the pain,
search for joy, and new love, too.
These things are my hope for you.
“If you look at your life you will find many excuses to suffer, but a good reason to suffer you will not find.
The same is true for happiness. Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering.”
-Don Miguel Ruiz
I’ve always been fascinated by the phrase, “You train people how to treat you.” While I understand it’s base concept (people will do to you what you allow), I’ve always wished for someone to delve deeper into this topic and to really hash out the details of it with me.
Today, that’s what I’m going to do for you, after having an epiphany about the subject last night while playing with my dog. (Dogs are great examples of the base line of emotions and thought processes from which we operate, by the way… 🙂
For such complicated subject matter, it’s really quite simple.
Reward behavior that you like and don’t reward behavior that you don’t like it.
Got it? Good.
Just kidding… I told you I would dive deeper…
The reason this is key early on, is because everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning. And if behavior that you don’t like is happening in the beginning, it’s likely to continue later on as things progress. And don’t fool yourself, honey, you can’t change people.
So to break it down…
Observe the other person’s behavior, provide feedback (i.e. reward vs no reward), and then make your choice from a rational place (before said place becomes too muddled by emotions).
That’s it! Wham!
Keep these things in mind and surely you’ll be on your way to making wiser relationship choices in no time!