It just occurred to me that I have never shared this story before- and it’s a good one.
After the accident, I was so angry with God that I refused to open my bible for over six months (I’d been reading it daily prior to).
When I finally did, this was the page/verse I had left off on. Isaiah 41:10. Is that incredible or what?
1 Peter 5:10 “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
I have suffered for a while. These past two years have been the most difficult times of my life, with one thing piling upon another. I wondered when I would see the light. But perhaps most importantly, I never doubted that this light would come. I never doubted God’s love for me and His goodness. I knew He had a plan and purpose for everything that was/is happening to me and I never stopped trusting Him. Probably clinging to Him tighter now, than ever before. Exactly, how He likes it- completely, wholly, even desperately dependent on Him.
This is a story about my restoration, about the light returning to my life. It is a joyful story and certainly not a complete one. But more importantly, this is a story about God and His grace, which never fails.
It was the Thursday night before I was scheduled to film my debut music video that Saturday. After a frustrating week of nagging my producer for details with no feedback, I was having a breakdown. I was furious. The shoot was Saturday and I had planned my whole week around it. The producer wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Where were the location lists, call times, wardrobe, crew names ect? Even if he sent me this information on Friday, I didn’t feel that one day was sufficient time for me to prep. I wanted to call him and scream at him! But can I? Is it right for me to bring my emotions into a work relationship? How much power and say do I really have in the matter? If I tell him how I feel, what will be his reaction? Will it change anything about the situation? Would it be worth it? If I don’t tell him how I feel, am I disrespecting myself? My feelings? Am I undermining our relationship and the honest, open communication that forms its base? These were all questions that were tormenting me that Thursday night. I struggled with them even as I fell asleep. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t want to confront him.
Friday morning, I had a meeting with my therapist. As usual, she asks me if there’s anything I want to talk about. I couldn’t think of anything “serious” that I felt I needed to talk to her about but because this music video situation was still on the forefront of my mind, I decided to give her a briefing of it. I figured at the least, she would be a good ear for me to get it off my chest. Maybe she would have some good advice on it, too. Boy, did I underestimate how God planned to use this frustrating situation and my time with the therapist that morning to work in miraculous ways.
Long story short, the therapist and I spend the hour “working” on the situation. We end up clarifying and defining my fear of confrontation as the root for why this situation was causing me such distress. Further, we even pinpointed specific events from my years in elementary school as stems for this irrational fear, which all revolve around my being unjustly shamed.
My fear, then, was not just a fear of confrontation, though it was that too. It was more a fear of being shamed. A fear of people making a big deal out of something in response to my actions. All it took was my pinpointing this fear, defining it, finding the cause of it, and rectifying that event within myself.
Before I knew it, the fear and anxiety was gone. By the time the session ended, I was no longer tormented with questions of what to do in response to my producer’s lack of follow through. I was eager to call him! Not to yell or vent but simply to talk about the next steps. It is what it is, I thought. And this is no confrontation. He and I will work this out and I’m excited to see when we can reschedule and start preparing for the new shoot date. Done and done. No anxiety. No fear. Suddenly, it wasn’t a big deal at all anymore. It was almost laughable that I let it torment me to begin with… It was never that big of a situation that I should lose sleep over it.
A huge weight was lifted from within me that Friday. Surely a day I will always remember and a blessing for which I’m indescribably grateful. The very thing I perceived as a mess the night before, had suddenly become a treasure to me, because it helped me to grow and to heal a part of me that had been carrying this burden of shame deep inside. Is God amazing or what?!
I share this story today in hopes that one of you, my readers, will relate to it. If you are feeling frustrated, anxious, or scared, I urge you to seek the cause behind those feelings within yourself. Everything you need to move forward awaits inside of you. God will take care of the details.
As many of you who follow me probably know, Maya Angelou has been a great source of inspiration for me. I frequently quote her on this blog and more frequently, I write posts inspired by her words and poems.
I am deeply saddened to hear of her death. The world is surely a bit darker without her shining light. However, Dr. Angelou has graduated and I’m sure today when she met the Lord, He smiled at her and said, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”
Maya Angelou will never know the full extent of lives touched by her work here on Earth. She’s inspired millions who will go on to inspire millions more. A job well done, indeed.
I remember watching her on Oprah Winfrey’s network series Master Class around this same time last year. Even through the television screen, I could resonate with her calming presence. The stillness, grace, and peace that she resided in, also resided in her. Her light could not be dimmed.
I remember in that Master Class, Maya said something that I will never forget and has since changed my life. She told Oprah, “When you learn, teach. At our best, we are all teachers.” Aside from being an accomplished poet, author, civil rights activist, singer and dancer, Maya Angelou was also a professor at Wake Forest University in my hometown of North Carolina. But Maya assured others, you don’t have to be a professor to be a teacher.
The most powerful part of Maya Angelou’s testimony is that not only did she share wisdom through speaking, writing, and teaching, but she lived out her own advice. She was a walking, breathing example of her own wisdom. A rare accomplishment in this life.
Today, I have gathered some of my personal favorite quotes by Dr. Angelou in honor of a life well lived.
“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”
“I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.”
“One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.”
“Nothing will work unless you do.”
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.”
“Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances.”
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
“My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.”
If it were up to me and me alone, I’d make you feel the pain and hurt you just as you’ve hurt me. But I know a route that starts with love and ends in love, just like a circle. It’s a healing route; life changing and fulfilling all the same. And so I choose to take with you, the path that Jesus took with me. It is the only path that works and my hope rests in its effectiveness.
I have no questions that God chose me. How can I be so sure? Because I believe in Him and Jesus Christ as my Savior. I could not have come to this belief by my own free will. It can only be explained by the power of the Holy Spirit and God’s grace at work within me.
I am quite certain that He chose me because if God had not chosen me, I should never have chosen Him. And it must be true in my case that He chose me before I was born, because He certainly would never have chosen me afterwards. And I know that He elected me for reasons unbeknownst to me, because I could never find any reason in myself why He should look upon me with such unconditional love.
Last night I was feeling overwhelmed with love for my dog, Buddy. I expressed this feeling to God. “I just love him so much!!” I said. He smiled, “I know you do. Your love for Buddy is a reflection of my love for you. Imagine how much more I love you! Hard to fathom, isn’t it?”
An overwhelming sense of peace washed over me, “I am in good hands.”
God continued, “Why don’t you try loving a person with the same sort of intensity that you love Buddy?”
“But, how?” I replied.
“Just try.” He answered.
“But,” I insisted, “My whole life revolves around him! How could I love people in that same way? It would take up too much energy. I would have no time.”
God replied, “Is there anything more important to spend your energy or time on?”
Wow. It hit me. We are called to love others. It is our mission. Our reason for being on Earth. And not just to love them halfheartedly either, when it’s convenient to us, for example. But to love them wholeheartedly, at all times, through all situations, no matter their actions or behaviors. This might seem like a daunting task but it’s natural when the Holy Spirit resides in you. This sort of love, relentless and all encompassing, is the kind that reflects God’s love for us. It is the kind that people most need to see. The kind that we need to be most intentional about showing.
Tonight God asked me, “How much do you trust me?”
“A lot,” I said.
He laughed, as He often does, “OK. But do you trust me enough?”
He continued, “Enough to stop worrying about time and how much of it you have? Have you not seen how my timing is perfect? Enough to stop obsessing over your to do list? What if I have better things for you to do? When you pray to me ‘Jesus, take the wheel’, do you really mean it? Will you let me? Do you trust me enough to lay your head on the pillow at night without your mind racing? Will you accept my offering of peace? Will you find your rest in me?”
I sat, once again, dumbfounded in His presence.
“You say you trust me ‘alot’ but is it enough?”
This morning as I was walking my dog before work, I had a moment of clarity and awe that I want to now share with you.
The weather is getting warmer here and the birds were out in full force this morning. It occurred to me just how complex their way of being is. Together, they formed a cacophony of sounds which I can only assume were claims of territory. They all appeared to be staking out their domain in preparation for Spring.
God, who made us, also made these birds and formed the complex system by which they operate. How amazing! Knowing this, I wonder, how can we ever doubt God’s goodness and love?! It only takes a few short minutes of observing the birds to know that He is a master of detail.
This should put a lot into perspective when you really stop to consider it. As complex as He made the birds, He made us with that much more precision. And although this complexity contributes to much of our anxiety and confusion on Earth, it shouldn’t. It is this very complexity that should, instead, overwhelm us with wonder and direct out eyes in awe towards the Master Craftsman who created it all.
Each of us are beautifully and uniquely designed in our own right, by a God who cares deeply about every last detail of our lives, even the birds.
Truth is, he is the love of my life. And that will never change. But he is the love of that life. No doubt in my mind he was the soul mate for that me. But when you lose someone who is the most important part of your life, your world changes. And so do you. Inevitably and irreversibly, you’re not the same person you were. And now I understand, there’s going to be another perfect person for the new me. Another love of my new life. And that person will in no way undermine his position in my heart.
Some people only get to live one life, but I’ve been given two. Perhaps, as we each navigate this world and our relationships, we can all see it as a new life each time we cycle round and round.
Finally, I realize there is no better way to honor him and our love then by embracing my new life and finding a new person to love. I am ready.
Most of us agree: we’re blessed. Our lives are full of good things like family, friendship, love, career, success, money, food, music, nature and on and on. But let us remember these good things for what they are: gifts. Rather than clinging to or obsessing over any of these gifts, may we instead cling to and become obsessed with the Giver of all good gifts.
