“As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won’t need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices.
If you keep this agreement, you can travel around the world with your heart completely open and no one can hurt you. You can say, “I love you” without fear of being ridiculed or rejected. You can ask for what you need. You can say yes, or you can say no – whatever you choose – without guilt or self-judgment. You can choose to follow your heart always.”
-Don Miguel Ruiz
“If you look at your life you will find many excuses to suffer, but a good reason to suffer you will not find.
The same is true for happiness. Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering.”
-Don Miguel Ruiz
I’ve always been fascinated by the phrase, “You train people how to treat you.” While I understand it’s base concept (people will do to you what you allow), I’ve always wished for someone to delve deeper into this topic and to really hash out the details of it with me.
Today, that’s what I’m going to do for you, after having an epiphany about the subject last night while playing with my dog. (Dogs are great examples of the base line of emotions and thought processes from which we operate, by the way… 🙂
For such complicated subject matter, it’s really quite simple.
Reward behavior that you like and don’t reward behavior that you don’t like it.
Got it? Good.
Just kidding… I told you I would dive deeper…
- Reward behavior that you like. Reward it with what I call “The Three A’s”: attention, affection, and appreciation.
- Behavior that you don’t like, don’t reward. I.e. Don’t pay any particular attention to it. This goes for negative or positive attention. The key here is no attention at all. Just let it lie and see how the other person responds. Perhaps, they’ll bring it up on their own volition.
- If the behavior which you don’t like continues despite your lack of reward, then distance yourself. Remember, you’re not trying to prove to this person that you’re lovable. You already know this to be true and so do they, as they’ve clearly chosen to spend their time with you. Instead, your main goal early on is to determine whether or not this person is worthy of your heart. I can assure you, you won’t be able to change them.
The reason this is key early on, is because everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning. And if behavior that you don’t like is happening in the beginning, it’s likely to continue later on as things progress. And don’t fool yourself, honey, you can’t change people.
So to break it down…
Observe the other person’s behavior, provide feedback (i.e. reward vs no reward), and then make your choice from a rational place (before said place becomes too muddled by emotions).
That’s it! Wham!
Keep these things in mind and surely you’ll be on your way to making wiser relationship choices in no time!
Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. -Howard Thurman
As I reach my adult years, it has been dawning on me just how uphill a performer’s path is. And I must confess, if I had the choice between being happy and being a performer, I’d choose to be happy.
But then I’m reminded (by the little voice inside of me), I don’t have that choice…
yearning for each other
day after day
a fairytale they chose.
A difficult choice
as what the fairies don’t voice
is by definition…
the lovers are froze.
“Love is choosing the hand you want to hold as you lower your parents into their grave.”
At the ripe, young age of 24, I asked my father for his advice on seeking a career. He told me if he could do things differently, he would have been more strategic and selective in choosing his career path, rather than taking whatever came his way and running with it. This seems to be the trend of our time: People letting life happen to them instead of making the life they want happen. We see it all the time. Adults having mid life crises, wondering how in the world they got to where they are.
But there’s a flip side. Trying too hard to make the life you imagine happen can hold you back from the life you were destined to have. You can become so paralyzed by the standards you’ve set for yourself that you often feel as though you’re making no progress at all. Unable to choose between open doors because you don’t know where any particular one will take you.
This is where faith comes in. Faith coupled with action yields results. It’s not enough to sit back and let life happen to you, as the entire universe is devoted to your distraction. But at the same time, it is neither wise nor productive to try so hard to control your future that you end up missing your destiny. As with everything in life, a balance is key.