The Key to Choosing and Establishing Healthy Relationships: “You Train People How to Treat You”

I’ve always been fascinated by the phrase, “You train people how to treat you.” While I understand it’s base concept (people will do to you what you allow), I’ve always wished for someone to delve deeper into this topic and to really hash out the details of it with me.

Today, that’s what I’m going to do for you, after having an epiphany about the subject last night while playing with my dog. (Dogs are great examples of the base line of emotions and thought processes from which we operate, by the way… 🙂

For such complicated subject matter, it’s really quite simple.

Reward behavior that you like and don’t reward behavior that you don’t like it. 

Got it? Good.

Just kidding… I told you I would dive deeper…

  1. Reward behavior that you like. Reward it with what I call “The Three A’s”: attention, affection, and appreciation.
  2. Behavior that you don’t like, don’t reward. I.e. Don’t pay any particular attention to it. This goes for negative or positive attention. The key here is no attention at all. Just let it lie and see how the other person responds. Perhaps, they’ll bring it up on their own volition.
  3. If the behavior which you don’t like continues despite your lack of reward, then distance yourself. Remember, you’re not trying to prove to this person that you’re lovable. You already know this to be true and so do they, as they’ve clearly chosen to spend their time with you. Instead, your main goal early on is to determine whether or not this person is worthy of your heart.  I can assure you, you won’t be able to change them.

The reason this is key early on, is because everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning. And if behavior that you don’t like is happening in the beginning, it’s likely to continue later on as things progress. And don’t fool yourself, honey, you can’t change people.

So to break it down…

Observe the other person’s behavior, provide feedback (i.e. reward vs no reward), and then make your choice from a rational place (before said place becomes too muddled by emotions).

That’s it! Wham!

Keep these things in mind and surely you’ll be on your way to making wiser relationship choices in no time!

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Long Before We Ever Met

I’ve never known a love like this. It’s foreign to me. But I do know that I wrote songs about you long before we ever met…

let's be honest

soulmates

A Personal Post on Love and Loss

It’s a strange thing when you start to feel better after thinking you never would. It’s even stranger when you want to love again after losing the love of your life. A part of you says, “No, you can’t! It’d be a betrayal.” But another part of you, the better part of you, screams, “Yes! Live again! Love again!”

Truth is, he is the love of my life. And that will never change. But he is the love of that life. No doubt in my mind he was the soul mate for that me. But when you lose someone who is the most important part of your life, your world changes. And so do you. Inevitably and irreversibly, you’re not the same person you were.  And now I understand, there’s going to be another perfect person for the new me. Another love of my new life.  And that person will in no way undermine his position in my heart.

Some people only get to live one life, but I’ve been given two. Perhaps, as we each navigate this world and our relationships, we can all see it as a new life each time we cycle round and round.

Finally, I realize there is no better way to honor him and our love then by embracing my new life and finding a new person to love. I am ready.

 

How To Find the Love of Your Life

If you are looking for the love of your life, stop. They will be waiting for you when you start doing the things that you love.

To Be Quite Upfront and Completely Truthful,

fallin in love

Soulmates

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”

-Elizabeth Gilbert