Some People Say They Lose Themselves…

Some people say they lose themselves in new motherhood. But I think I’ve found myself. 

The slowed down pace of life, the presence, the simplicity, all things I’ve longed for and couldn’t obtain. 

The wonder, the curiosity, the delight, all qualities that I’ve struggled to hold onto through the years. 

The adventure, the joy, the humility, she brought it all back to me and some. 

Profound purpose, deep meaning, intense connection…all ingredients of a life well lived. 

Some people say they lose themselves in new motherhood. But I think I’ve found myself again. 

If I Could Sum Up Parenthood in One Word…

If I could sum up parenthood in one word, it would be “surrender”. 

The act of surrender begins in pregnancy. It’s challenging to not try to control all the changes and outcomes. The unknown. The waiting. 

It intensifies the last few weeks as we prepare for baby’s arrival. Letting go of deadlines, dates, and expectations. Surrendering to our baby and God’s perfect timing. 

It peaks during birth as the contractions are relentless. Like a train coming towards us and we can’t get off the tracks. Nothing and no one can stop it. 

And then the baby is here. And a new phase of surrendering begins. 

Is the baby okay? Are we doing this right? Will we get to sleep tonight? 

Once again, we find ourselves letting go of deadlines, dates, and expectations. Putting personal to-do lists on the back burner and holding all external commitments loosely. 

Maybe this is why parenthood is so beautiful. This constant act of surrendering. This daily practice of faith. We surrender ourselves, over and over again, so we can stand back in awe at the faithfulness of our God. 

The Birth of a Mother (A Poem)

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh said it best, “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.”

Too often, the cultural conversation around new motherhood focuses on “bouncing back.” When are you going to fit into your clothes again? When are you going back to work? When are you going to return to the person you were before you had the baby? And the answer is, you’re not. But the good news is, you’re not supposed to. 

The term Matrescence, coined by Dana Raphael, Ph.D. (1973), remains a largely unexplored area of study that refers to this process of becoming a mother. The developmental passage where a woman transitions through pregnancy and birth, to the postnatal period and beyond. Of course, we all know that during pregnancy, a woman’s body is rapidly changing, and inside a tiny life form is taking shape to be a completely unique and individual human being. But what we often forget, is that the woman herself is also rapidly changing and taking shape. Not just in a physical sense, but in a bio-psycho-social-political and spiritual way. Yes, the mother gives birth to a child. But the child also gives birth to a mother. 

I recently gave birth to my first child and I’ve spent the last twelve months researching and documenting my experience of matrescence. As I scoured the internet, I was amazed to find that not a single, descriptive, first-hand account of matrescence exists. Until now. 

I’ve divided the poem into five parts, one for each of the three trimesters, one for labor and delivery, and one for what’s often referred to as, “The Missing Fourth Trimester,” or postpartum. 

My hope is that women will see themselves in these words. That women who have yet to embark on the journey of motherhood, will have a roadmap of sorts, helping them to better understand what support they may need along the way. I love how the experience of pregnancy and motherhood is so unique for each individual, and yet so universal at the same time.

The Birth of a Mother

Part I – First Trimester

It’s been two months

Three if you count the one we didn’t know 

of exhaustion.

Who is this person? 

A foreign invader 

taking up my brain, my body 

so swollen.

Why can’t I think straight? 

I don’t feel like the woman

my husband married. 

Where is she? 

Is she coming back? 

Part II – Second Trimester

It’s hard to hide anymore

Out in the open now

Like my body

growing not without discomfort

as my organs and priorities shift.

Letting go of anything I’m holding 

to embrace the unknown 

with wide open arms

and free my hands 

so I can caress my stomach.

Halfway there now               

I’m focused now

on nothing 

but the child inside me.

Part III – Third Trimester

It’s 4am and I can’t sleep

I’m tossing and turning 

like the child inside me.

She has a name now

and a room all ready 

for her.

We’re all ready for her. 

She’s all ready for us 

in her ready position

as my posture changes 

every few minutes

which feel like hours

as my toes tap dance 

without my permission

If only my legs

would stay in position.

I clean spiderwebs 

from hidden corners of our home

while I squat and wait.

I’m patiently squatting

and waiting

and waiting…

Part IV – Labor and Delivery

In two three four

Out two three four five six

I count my breaths 

as I feel the water beneath me.

I’m sweating and swaying and swearing 

with every contraction 

bringing us deeper, closer

Like my husband and I now

as I squeeze his hand 

and breathe.

We’re transitioning now

I’m out of my mind

and my body takes over

like an animal,

we are not to be disturbed.

I’m laboring down

Breathing down

Pushing down

Down down and out.

I hear crying and cheering

as oxytocin floods my body 

and I bring our baby to my chest.

Unimaginable relief.

The transition is complete.

The maiden has died

and the mother has been born.      

Part V – Postpartum

Honoring the sacred pause

Taking it all in slow and easy 

Soaking In the beauty of the moment,

of my husband, 

of our helpers, 

of our village.

Drinking in our baby as she drinks in me.

This is postpartum. 

The Dichotomy of Motherhood

I can’t catch a break. // Everything falls apart without me. // I’m grateful to have a family that needs me. // It feels so good to be needed. // I have no time to get anything done. // My to do list just keeps growing. // It’s so nice to be present with my baby. // Everything else can wait. // I’ve never known a joy like this. // I’m so tired I could cry. // Her needs are so constant. // One day she won’t need me. // I hate how fast time is going. // It’s so wonderful to watch her grow. // I don’t want to miss a single moment. // All I want is a moment to myself. // I killed it today! // Today nearly killed me.

The dichotomy of motherhood.

Nothing Can Stop What’s Coming

When I was pregnant, I loved reading positive birth stories from other women. I knew very little about birth when I first became pregnant and by the end of nine months, I knew quite a bit more. Birth isn’t something to be feared and it doesn’t have to be traumatic, though unfortunately, in many cases it is.

When we take birth back to its natural state, it can be dreamy and blissful and empowering. When we reclaim birth as our own, rather than a medical emergency, we reclaim our power as women. And boy oh boy, are we powerful.

My first daughter, Brooks, was born at 6:55pm on Monday, May 8th after 26 hours of labor. Completely intervention free and unmedicated. I don’t have a “high pain tolerance”. I cringe at needles and feel faint when I see blood. Yet natural childbirth was one of the greatest, most joyful experiences of my life. I long for other women to get to experience it. If I can do it, anyone can. Here’s our story:

The final weeks of my pregnancy are blissful. I’m flooded with oxytocin, have a ton of energy, and feel so present and connected with God. 

I’m convinced that Brooks will be born early, in the 39th week. When that week comes and goes, I decide to stop “waiting” for her. I’m prepared to go the whole 42 weeks. I know she’ll come when she’s ready. I’m soaking in the unknown. 

And then, on Sunday May 7th, around 1:30pm in the afternoon, I suddenly start to feel a shift in my energy. I don’t think much of it. At this point, I’m doing my best to ignore any potential signs of labor. We have plans to drop off a casserole to our friends and neighbors down the street.

Around 4pm, early contractions begin. My husband, Powell, ends up dropping off the casserole on his own. I feel bad that I have to back out of the visit, but I know something’s amiss.

At first, it’s like a tightening in my lower back that radiates around to my front and then goes away. I decide to start timing the sensations to see if there’s any pattern to them. They’re coming every ten minutes and lasting around 30-45 seconds. But I’m still not sure this is labor. After all, being a first time mom, I don’t know what to expect. 

When Powell gets home, we go for a walk with our dog, Capone. I have a couple contractions on the walk as we head up a hill. I have to grab onto Powell for support. He takes notice. The contractions continue on like this through dinner, while we watch, “Don’t Look Up” on Netflix, and I make a flower art piece called, “Brooks”. 

We continue timing the contractions and text our Doula, Katie, to give her a heads up. The app that we’re using to time the contractions keeps saying, “Get ready to go to the hospital” or “Time to go to the hospital.” But I ignore it. My plan is to labor at home for as long as possible. Katie suggests we get some rest, so we go to bed early. 

The contractions get stronger when I lay down and I’m having trouble sleeping through them. The first half of the night, I wake up Powell every time one is coming. He rubs my back, applies counter pressure and a heating pad. I know something strange is happening in my body, but I’m still not convinced it’s labor. 

Around 3-4am, Powell expresses his desperation for sleep. I decide he’s right. One of us should be getting some rest. I can handle these on my own. So, for the rest of the morning, I labor on my own in bed. Thankfully, I’m able to fall asleep in between the contractions. Which are now ranging from 5-10 minutes apart and lasting about one minute each. 

When the sun comes up on Monday morning, Powell decides to stay home from work. I’m still not convinced about labor, but he thinks surely something meaningful is happening. It’s been going on for so long… 

Around 10:45am, I lose my mucus plug and have a bloody show. I’m excited! Something is actually happening! As the day goes on, I develop a coping mechanism for every time a contraction hits. It’s instinctual and I can’t help myself. I begin a low guttural chanting. It sounds African to me. Powell says it reminds him of Gregorian chanting, which I didn’t even know was a thing but he learned about it in high school. It does sound similar when we look up Gregorian chanting on YouTube. 

I do laundry and pick up around the house. Pausing for contractions as they come. They’re coming every 5 minutes now and I just stop whatever I’m doing and hum/chant/breathe my way through. Around 1:30pm, they’re getting stronger and closer to 3 or 4 minutes apart. I decide to cancel my 2:30pm massage appointment and tell Powell to get the bath ready. 

I get into the bath and shortly after, Powell suggests we call our doula, Katie. On the phone, I try to pull myself together, (still thinking maybe this isn’t active labor), and she says she’ll be over in an hour or so. Based off my voice, she doesn’t think I’m in active labor yet. 

But only about 45 mins later, I’m side lying on the bed and calling out to Powell, “Where’s Katie?!” By the time she arrives, around 3:30/4pm, I’m most certainly in active labor. My disposition has changed to one of true focus. Though I’m still convincing myself maybe this isn’t labor. I laugh in between contractions. And then I cry to Katie, “I’m just worried this isn’t dilating me and we’ll get to the hospital too early.” I know I want an intervention free birth. I’m determined to stay at home as long as possible. 

The song, “Rivers and Roads” by The Head and The Heart comes on my phone and we sing our way through another couple contractions. I’m back in the bath now and Katie says to me, “I’ve been seeing your body work really hard. I think it’s safe to say you’re in active labor and you may even be beyond that. Are you ready to go to the hospital?” Okay, I surrender. 

It takes us what feels like forever to get into the car. The contractions are coming every 2 minutes now and lasting about a minute each. I’m in transition. We have to get to the first floor of our house, as we’ve been in the master bedroom and bath upstairs. I contract going down the stairs. Then we have to get into the car. I contract in the driveway. I contract a few more times during the 5 minute drive to the hospital. 

I’m not even wearing shoes when we pull up to the fire lane at the hospital. I get out of the car and contract against the side of it. Someone from inside sees me and brings me a wheelchair. I’m wheeled into the lobby for check in. We realize I don’t have my ID or purse. So Powell rushes back home to get it.

I’m completely in my zone now. I’m barely speaking. I remember looking around the lobby. There’s probably about five people in there, looking back at me. I’m wondering why they’re looking at me. I’m holding it together, I think. And just then, I feel another one coming and yell out, “Sorry everybody! Here comes another one!” I then begin my loud groans and animalistic cries. They wheel me back into a labor room, skipping triage and check in. 

It’s around 6pm when we arrive to the hospital and our midwife doesn’t begin her shift until 6:30pm. I’m greeted by the hospital midwife who covers for her during the day, Laura. She used to work at the local birthing center. She’s familiar with natural childbirth. She checks me and tells me I’m 100% effaced and over 9cm dilated. This is great news! But I’m too focused to react. Another one is coming. About 20 minutes later, Powell is back and he’s in the room with us. Laura tells me when I feel the urge to push, to follow it. 

Sure enough, I soon feel the power that has been gripping me begin to move down through me. As it moves down, I groan and push it along. I’m side lying on the bed and Powell holds my leg in the air. At 6:30pm our midwife, Stacie, arrives to take over the shift. Laura slips out.

Stacie greets me sweetly and calmly. She whispers to me how great I’m doing and how close I am to meeting my baby. She asks me when’s the last time I peed. Not since before I got into the bath back home, I think to myself, as the others try to answer for me. Okay, let’s see if you can get up and try to pee. I think sitting on the toilet will be nice and I also think, if I stand up, this baby will fall out of me. I rise to make my way towards the bathroom. I take two steps before dropping into the squat position. My baby is crowning. 

Stacie is prepared in case I deliver right there on the floor. She can see my baby moving through the canal and says she’s doing so good. That I’m doing so good. Can I get back on the bed? She asks me. Oh boy, that will be difficult but okay, I think. I get back onto the bed on all fours and begin to push my baby out. Probably only three contractions later and I hear, “You’re doing great, this is the ring of fire.” Then I hear the head is out. Sure enough, the next contraction comes and with no straining at all my body pushes the rest of the baby out and Brooks is born. “Grab your baby!”

I reach between by legs and pull her up to my chest. I’m in total shock and disbelief. I did it! I proclaim. We did it! I look at Brooks. I’m so proud of her, and of myself. I lay down on the bed, finally on my back. What a relief! I bring her to my breast and she latches on. I assure everyone in the room that it wasn’t nearly as bad as it sounded. They laugh. We all laugh. I’m in pure ecstasy. And I stay that way for two whole weeks after the birth. It’s a high unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

A couple hours after the birth, Powell asks me, “What did it feel like?” I try to think of words to describe the sensation but I’m at a loss. Powerful? Yes. Intense? Yes. Painful? Not at all. It’s a bit like a train that’s coming towards you, and you can’t get out of the way. Like a huge wave in the ocean and you have no where to go. Finally, I think I’ve found the perfect phrase. It feels like, “Nothing can stop what is coming.”

Birth is not only about making babies

“Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers — strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.” 

—Barbara Katz Rothman

It’s important that we pay attention to what’s showing up for us during pregnancy and birth. Even while trying to conceive. The journey of motherhood is a spiritual one first and foremost. As we begin this journey, many things rise to the surface within us. Examples might include; finding our voice, setting boundaries, learning patience, trusting our gut, standing in our truth, surrendering, or receiving help. All things designed to better equip us for the other side of birth.

See, where there is birth there is also death. And as the Mother, you are no longer who you once were. You can never go back to your old self. That self has to die in order for this one to be born anew. And with that birth, everything shifts. Your perspective. Your priorities. Your relationships…

Resistance to this transformation can be painful. It’s better to honor and trust the cycles of life. To surrender to what is. More to come…

A Letter From My Mother

My most precious child,

If there is any lesson I would want to leave with you, it is to love yourself. Find peace with who you are and don’t look outside yourself for acceptance and love. Find it deep within yourself and treasure it always. When you love yourself like that, you will know the kind of love I will always have for you.

Love, Mom

The Parent Child Relationship

The relationship between parent and child exists for the primary purpose of the parent’s transformation.

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A Parent’s Purpose

It’s possible to hold on to your kids so tightly that you forget the very purpose of parenting is to let them go.