What you really owe me is an apology. For treating me as your inferior, for neglecting me, for taking advantage of my kindness and patience. Yes, you owe me an apology.
But I do not expect one from you.
Although your behavior would suggest you’re an awful person, I refuse to succumb to such a belief. I choose instead to believe in your goodness and continue to love you.
I choose to believe that your actions stem out of your own defensiveness, a protection you’ve formed for yourself, and I feel for you. You must have been burned many times to form a protective shell as hard as yours. You must be very hurt to hurt others as you do.
Judging you is not my place, but I will continue to pray for you. Acting out or seeking revenge is not the path I plan to take. Instead, I will love you and forgive you and hope you begin to see that there’s good in this world- that you’re safe after all.
When my boyfriend died, the life I knew died along with him. Shortly thereafter, I packed up all of my belongings, everything I had acquired in California, and drove across the country to be back home again in North Carolina. Because, of course, when the world fails you, the only place you have to go is home.
Within one year, I had a monumental career change, my parents divorced, my childhood home was sold, and I was living on my own in an apartment for the first time in my life. All this change in only one year! Even writing about it now, it seems surreal. How has my life become so crazy, so chaotic? How have I been able to push through, to survive?
Well, God is good. And that is where I am now. Completely lost, approaching the second birthday that I will spend without my boyfriend and the only thing that I know for certain is God’s goodness and grace. Other than that, I feel adrift. Floating in a world that I have no control over, a world that is constantly shifting, one without ground.
I guess on the bright side, I have nothing holding me back. I have no attachments that hold me down, hold me steady. I’m free to fly like a bird, as I have always yearned to do.
This also means I have little security, no sense of stability, a feeling of total loss of control. Does a baby bird feel this way before it leaves its nest for the first time? I wonder. And how many nests will I have to leave? Is flying free really all it’s cracked up to be?
June 4, 2012
It is written, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4. Too often you stress yourself my love, my little one, my lamb. You are striving for perfection in an imperfect world. You will only find perfection in me. Rather than seeking it in your career, relationships, or even yourself, instead draw closer to me. In my presence, you will find it. Your desire for perfection will only be satisfied in me. Let this be your ultimate, constant, and unwavering desire to get closer and closer to me. To sit quietly in my presence, every morning, as soon as you open your eyes and before you begin your day. This way, I may satisfy your yearning for perfection. That in my presence, you might feel it, and go forth in your day no longer trying to achieve it, but rather being constantly aware of it; of me. I love you.
I love writing. I especially love writing poems. Songs, even more. All things rhythmic. I also love performing. There is nothing in the world that brings me such utter, pure joy as performing. So what am I doing? I’m on my way back from Costa Rica, dreading the arrival of my reality. Aside from my dog and a few choice people, the home that awaits me is one full of questions.
Who loves me? Who do I love? Where is the man I can love forever? When will I meet him? Have I already?
What am I doing with my life? What are my options? Return to school and get a Master’s in Creative Writing? Then what? Write my own memoir? About what? Who am I?
What about my music career? Am I trying hard enough? Should I give up? Didn’t someone tell me never to give up? When does never end?
How will I perform? I need to perform. It lives inside of me, performance, and if insufficiently fed, it feeds on its very host (my soul). This I know.
What about my album? What do I do when it’s released? What are my next steps? How do I move forward? Will anyone help me? Who? When will it be released? Who cares other than me? Does it matter?
Should I travel “while I still can”? Mission work? Tropical countries? Become fluent in Spanish? I loved everything about Costa Rica. Could I live there? Would I?
Should I keep living here? Is this the right place for me?
Does it feel like it? No.
Am I comfortable? Yes.
I know some answers…