What’s up with this idea of losing yourself in a relationship somehow being romantic?
We hear it in song lyrics, see it on television shows, and even read about it in magazines and on dating websites. For some reason, the idea is romanticized, but this really bothers me.
I mean, I understand how it happens… You get so comfortable with another person, feel so safe with them, it can be consuming. I get it.
Sometimes, even, we can become so concerned with the other person that we forget about ourselves. And as a result, we stop voicing our opinions, become excessively agreeable, and ultimately, as a person, we disappear.
But that’s not romantic. That’s lazy.
We have to keep in mind that our partner initially chose us because of who we are, what we bring to the table, and how we add to the relationship/his or her life.
The bottom line is that a relationship takes two people and if we don’t show up, we’re undermining the very purpose of it.
I’ve always been fascinated by the phrase, “You train people how to treat you.” While I understand it’s base concept (people will do to you what you allow), I’ve always wished for someone to delve deeper into this topic and to really hash out the details of it with me.
Today, that’s what I’m going to do for you, after having an epiphany about the subject last night while playing with my dog. (Dogs are great examples of the base line of emotions and thought processes from which we operate, by the way… 🙂
For such complicated subject matter, it’s really quite simple.
Reward behavior that you like and don’t reward behavior that you don’t like it.
Got it? Good.
Just kidding… I told you I would dive deeper…
- Reward behavior that you like. Reward it with what I call “The Three A’s”: attention, affection, and appreciation.
- Behavior that you don’t like, don’t reward. I.e. Don’t pay any particular attention to it. This goes for negative or positive attention. The key here is no attention at all. Just let it lie and see how the other person responds. Perhaps, they’ll bring it up on their own volition.
- If the behavior which you don’t like continues despite your lack of reward, then distance yourself. Remember, you’re not trying to prove to this person that you’re lovable. You already know this to be true and so do they, as they’ve clearly chosen to spend their time with you. Instead, your main goal early on is to determine whether or not this person is worthy of your heart. I can assure you, you won’t be able to change them.
The reason this is key early on, is because everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning. And if behavior that you don’t like is happening in the beginning, it’s likely to continue later on as things progress. And don’t fool yourself, honey, you can’t change people.
So to break it down…
Observe the other person’s behavior, provide feedback (i.e. reward vs no reward), and then make your choice from a rational place (before said place becomes too muddled by emotions).
That’s it! Wham!
Keep these things in mind and surely you’ll be on your way to making wiser relationship choices in no time!
You must approach dating with a pure heart, as that is my heart. Do not lust after your brother or sister, because then you are not approaching him/her motive-free.
Think of how you came to know and love me. It is because I first loved you. For no reason. With no motives. And so you accepted my love. And then returned it.
Dear one, this is how you all are wired. If you play the world’s love game, you will surely lose. You are on my team, the winning team, and if you play by my rules, you will always be victorious.